Via Essence.com
As an ESSENCE.com woman, you probably know of the four “Will You Marry Me?” couples, and saw the stories of how they met and fell in love. But you may also be wondering to yourself, “Why not me?”
You have met guys at happy hours with work colleagues–the way Jasmine met Gabriel. You have met cute guys while part of a business transaction–like Dean of Student Affairs at Dillard University, Dewain did when she planned an event using Irvin’s food and beverage company. You have been fixed up by friends the way Genine was with Andre. You may even still have a classmate you’ve known since eighth grade–the way Maya knew Cleveland. Maybe you’ve even been a part of a long distance relationship the way they have been. So why are you still not finding Mr. Right–for you?
Dr. Michelle Callahan, TV host, psychologist, and author of dating guide Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success, says it may be because you are not you–not the real you when it comes to romance, that you may be sabotaging yourself with men and not even realizing it, that you are “Ms, Typed.” And, as an African American woman you could be particularly vulnerable to losing your best self in the dating game.
ESSENCE.com: How do women sabotage their relationships?
DR. MICHELLE CALLAHAN: My theory is that most women are mistyped. As a result of their dating and everyday life experiences, they have taken on a personality and dating type that doesn’t reflect who they truly are, but reflects more of who they’ve allowed themselves to become as a result of their circumstances. They lose sight of their true personalities and see themselves through the world’s lens, instead of through their own eyes as the women they were meant to be. When it comes to romance, in particular, women often take on dating habits and behaviors that are counterproductive and undermine the development of healthy and successful relationships. It’s as if they forget who they really are and their insecurities dominate their thoughts and behaviors. As a result, instead of exuding confidence and success, they often act insecure and desperate (even if they don’t realize it). They don’t want to be stuck acting this way, but they don’t know how to stop sabotaging their relationships and reclaim their happiness.
ESSENCE.com: Are you just blaming the victim by saying that women sabotage themselves?
DR. CALLAHAN: Absolutely not! My whole point is that women should not feel like powerless victims in their relationships. They have a lot of power and choices in relationships, they just need to stop choosing to use their power to try to change their partner (something only their partner can do) and use that time and energy to focus on changing themselves and their approach to life and love. You can’t control what a man does but you can control how you respond to it.
ESSENCE.com: What are dating types and who is Ms. Typed?
DR. CALLAHAN: Your dating type represents how you typically behave in dating situations. It’s like your dating personality. Ms. Typed is a woman who has taken on dating behaviors and personality traits that don’t reflect who she wants or is destined to be. In Ms. Typed I describe the top ten dating types to help women recognize their dating patterns, to understand why they act the way they do in dating relationships, and to show them how to change those dating behaviors that are no longer working for them or that don’t represent who they are.
ESSENCE.com: Why are Black women vulnerable to becoming Ms. Typed?
DR. CALLAHAN: Statistically, the odds are currently stacked against Black women for finding a long-term mate. Over 40 percent of Black women have never been married (that’s double the number for White women), Black women outnumber Black men, and if you eliminate Black men who are either without a high school education, unemployed or incarcerated, that leaves only about half of Black men even eligible for marriage. Under those circumstances, many Black women feel an even greater need to be more accommodating to the remaining available Black men. The longer they put the man’s needs first and their own needs second, the more likely they are to become and remain Ms. Typed; unable to get their own needs back on the relationship agenda. In addition to that, many Black women have been through so much drama in their lives with their own upbringing and in romantic relationships that the happy, healthy version of themselves has been long lost and they are not starting from a healthy foundation when it comes to dating. They need a chance to resolve some issues of the past so that they can change their future.
ESSENCE.com: What are some of the most common dating types among Black women?
DR. CALLAHAN: There’s “Ms. Second Place” who allows herself to be a low priority in a man’s life. She is often dating a man in another relationship and during this man shortage, she may feel like she has no choice but to hang in with him in hopes that she is the last woman standing. “Ms. Mom” who makes it a priority to fix her man’s life instead of working on her own. Many Black women meet men who are “under construction” and need a place to stay, money to borrow, etc. and out of the kindness of their hearts the women try to help but end up falling into a counterproductive role of a mother instead of a partner. Another type is “Ms. Bag Lady” who carries around a load of emotional “baggage” and lets her old emotions negatively affect her new relationships. She lets her unresolved problems from the past ruin her present and future. Many Black women have been through so much by the time they start dating and at the hands of some of their Exes, that they have a lot of “issues” left to resolve before they can be healthy and successful in relationships.
ESSENCE.com: If you’re Ms. Typed, could you miss the opportunity to meet Mr. Right?
DR. CALLAHAN: Yes, Mr. Right could easily pass you by. You could miss out on the man you’ve been looking for because he’s ready for you but you’re not ready for him. This could be the man you’ve been hoping and praying for but if you and your life are a mess, in his healthy state of mind he might decide to move on. Men aren’t going to want to date you if you’re a hot mess on the inside or the outside. So why not spend time when you’re single working on being the best you can and resolving your own “issues” so that when he shows up, you’re ready?
ESSENCE.com: How can women stop sabotaging their relationships and find dating success?
DR. CALLAHAN: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge so it helps to first determine your dating type because you can use it to identify what challenges you usually face in relationships and learn how to transform yourself. There is a quiz in Ms. Typed to help you determine your dating type and then there is a chapter in the book for each of the ten types filled with stories and specific advice for that type. I believe that improving your love life starts by improving yourself. When you are happy and healthy, love will come looking for you. The book includes a Ms. Typed Makeover Kit with exercises and specific advice on how to stop sabotaging your relationships by transforming yourself and then your relationships. My three step makeover plan includes the following: 1) Create a vision for your life, 2) Let go of what’s holding you back, and 3) Take action.
ESSENCE.com: Why is it so important to take time out to focus on yourself both before and while dating?
DR. CALLAHAN: What women don’t realize is that approaching dating and relationships from a position of desperation and weakness will not attract a healthy partner or long-term relationship. If they approach dating by first spending time making sure that they are happy with themselves and their lives without a partner, they will be much less vulnerable in dating relationships. A woman’s purpose or goal in life is not to find a mate; their goal should be health and happiness and that healthy state of being will bring Mr. Right to them.
MICHELLE R. CALLAHAN, Ph.D. is the host of the syndicated talk show Wedlock or Deadlock and the author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success (Three Rivers Press, 2010). She has appeared on Oprah, the Today Show, The Dr. Oz Show, The Tyra Banks Show, and America’s Next Top Model. You can learn more about Dr. Michelle at http://www.drmichelle.com
Read an excerpt of Dr. Michelle’s new book Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success.
It’s available for purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and IndieBound.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and the day can be difficult for both sexes, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Either way there are some do’s and dont’s to get you through the day. Relationship expert Dr. Michelle Callahan, a contributor to Women’s Health magazine, has tips on making the most of the day dedicated to love:
Valentine’s Day DOs and DON’Ts
If You’re in a Relationship:
DO have realistic expectations
If you’re in a relationship, DO have realistic expectations about what you will receive or how you will celebrate Valentine’s Day. It is important to discuss your expectations and plans for Valentine’s Day, so no one is left disappointed. Get on the same page. A lot of people create elaborate expectations and they think something really grandiose is going to happen. It’s just really, another day of the year. I think it’s our culture why people put so much pressure on this. Valentine’s Day, many women think, should be a Hollywood version. In a lot of ways, those days are not realistic; it’s more fantasy than it is reality.
DON’T let Valentine’s Day define your relationship.
DON’T decide that what happens on Valentine’s Day defines your relationship. Don’t let a less-than-spectacular Valentine’s Day make you feel that your partner doesn’t love you. There are many ways to celebrate the day and just because the two of you don’t see them the same way doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t strong. Gifts for one day doesn’t define a relationship. It’s just about whether people believe in doing something special on Valentines, not everyone does. It’s usually women who assume we shouldn’t even talk about this, that it should be automatic. To some men, it just doesn’t make that much sense. So don’t go running away screaming declaring you got a dud because your guy didn’t necessarily agree on what to do that day.
DO agree on how to celebrate.
DO compromise with your partner about how to celebrate — some people aren’t into the Hallmark holidays and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you and show it in other ways (not just on Valentine’s Day). Find something you can both feel comfortable doing as a way to celebrate the day. If you think its going to be a big deal or you have big expectations then you need to talk about it, your partner cant read your mind. Try to find a happy medium. Its not suppose to be a day where you’re suppose to fight. Dont put unnecessary pressure on your partner to make Valentine’s Day extra special. Sometimes Valentine’s Day shows up at a less than ideal time or your partner doesn’t see Valentine’s Day as more than a Hallmark holiday. Be sensitive to the possibility that you may see the holiday differently and if you just had a big celebration for Christmas, New Years or a birthday, going all out for Valentine’s Day may not be an option.
DON’T spend beyond your means
DON’T spend beyond your means because it’s Valentine’s Day. In this economy everyone is scaling back and you should, too. Florists increase the cost of roses sometimes 10 times just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Don’t get caught up in overpriced gimmicks when the same money can buy you and your Valentine twice as much the very next day. Given what people’s financial situation is this time around, people don’t have money, you shouldn’t feel pressured to go into debt. You don’t have to give gifts on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to go somewhere fancy.
If You’re Single:
How to Make Your Friendships Last
Dr. Michelle Callahan Discusses Ways Female Friends Can Stay Connected Through All of Life’s Changes
(CBS)
For many women the bonds we share with our female friends are the ones that we rely on to get through life’s ups and downs, but between new jobs, growing families and long distances, keeping those friendships isn’ t always easy.
Psychologist Dr. Michelle Callahan, a contributor to Women’s Health magazine, appeared on “The Early Show” with co-anchor Maggie Rodriguez and Rodriguez’s best friend Tami Frymark, to give some tips for how friends can keep bonds strong through all of life’s changes.
Callahan said, for women, friends are often what keep them going through life.
“The friendships are an important function to their day to day lives,” she said. “When we’re with friends, we talk, we laugh, we’re active, we hug, we have skin contact. All of these can increase endorphin and serotonin production and lower blood pressure, encouraging better health and longevity.”
Callahan cited a 2008 study, in which Harvard researchers found that strong social ties protect against memory loss as we age. In post-college years, though, those benefits are harder and harder to come by, she said. In a recent survey conducted jointly by Duke University and the University of Arizona, sociologists learned that women today report having an average of only two close confidants, down from three in 1985; nearly a quarter of the women surveyed reported having no one at all in whom they could confide.
“A lot of times it’s hard to put in the work to keep these relationships going,” she said. “The resulting social isolation can lead to depression or worse. In another study, researchers from the University of California, San Francisco, found that among women with breast cancer, those with a large circle of friends were four times less likely to die of the disease than patients without close pals.”
So how can you make those friendships last?
Don’t Let Her Drift Away
Callahan said, “We’re often drawn to people based on common interests and circumstances, and when life changes, the friendship can become vulnerable. Try to think of these ‘friend shifts’ as a temporary setback and give each other some extra TLC. Be willing to put the overall time and effort into it.”
Part of what happens, Callahan said, is women assume that because they change, they can’t be friends. For example, say post-college one friend becomes a mom, the other becomes a career woman, even though the interests have shifted, it’s important to know you can still bond.
Today I had the pleasure of being a guest on the Dr. Oz show! He is really wonderful to work with as was his entire staff. I’m so glad that he got his own show. I was there to give advice to a woman who just recently went through a divorce and as a result gained 60 pounds and lost her confidence. Dr. Oz helps her with her physical health and I work with her on the psychological issues. She is a great lady (beautiful inside and out) and you will really enjoy her story. I told her that she should complete the exercises in the Ms. Typed Makeover Kit to help her establish a new life and identity, and to get back out there in the dating world.
