Source: www.Essence.com
by Dr. Michelle
So many of us have dreamed of a Hollywood romance. Fantasizing about a life filled with global jet-setting, red carpet events, designer shopping sprees and parties with A-listers. The recent breakup of Eva Marcille and Lance Gross proves once again that fame, fortune and beauty do not guarantee love, marriage or long-term commitment. Just five months before their wedding, Marcille and Gross have broken things off. Despite the appearance of a glamorous life, celebrity romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. The constant travel, public scrutiny, dating competition, lack of privacy and professional demands magnify the challenges celebrities face when trying to find love. They have all the same problems that most people do, and then some. In Marcille and Gross’s case, and for other famous superstar couples like Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian, who also recently ended their relationship, youth is yet another factor that makes settling down unlikely. The never-ending dating options makes marriage even less likely to happen and to last.
It’s so easy to look at celebrity relationships and wish your relationship were a Hollywood romance when in reality celebrities have a significantly higher divorce rate than everyone else. We should be looking at our own parents and grandparents as our relationship role models, not the folks whose relationships are sometimes a publicity stunt, matchmaking for sales and ratings.
Yet quietly, we often sit back and wish for the celebrity lifestyle, thinking our humble lives lack the glitz and glamour we read about. We forget the amazing little things we may experience each day that bring us closer to true love and happiness. Your man may not be a movie star, but if he makes you the star in the story of his life isn’t that what it’s really about? Often a happy marriage is the one thing celebrities don’t have. Despite all the things money can buy, a loving, committed marriage is not one of them. Let these superstar relationships be an example that marriage is a commitment that requires time and a serious lifelong level of dedication. That time and attention is the one luxury often unavailable to most celebrities. Just when you thought they had everything, take time today to be thankful for the special hard-earned relationships that are uniquely yours. You may have never thought so until now, but maybe your grass is greener after all.
There are many ways to make a marriage work and be successful. Each couple will have their own understanding and expectations. What may work for your parents or friends may not work for you, so it’s most important that you and your future spouse are in agreement on how your relationship will work. Below are the key areas you should think about before getting married and important questions you should answer before you take a walk down the aisle. How you choose to address each issue is up to you, as long as the two of you can agree on how things should work.
Whatever you do, don’t expect people to change their feelings about important issues like sex, religion or children after you get married. If your partner is telling you that they don’t want to have kids, don’t think that getting married will change their mind. If you aren’t comfortable with their current position on certain issues, you shouldn’t plan to walk down the aisle until you are satisfied with your future spouse’s position on things. Of course things may change, but don’t count on it.
I’ve talked to countless couples on Wedlock or Deadlock who foolishly believe that love and marriage will magically solve their problems. Do your homework first and have these often difficult conversations before you make a lifetime commitment. The last thing you want to do is look back and be angry with yourself because you knew that you and your partner weren’t compatible in certain ways but you ignored that information anyway. Even if you and your partner don’t agree on all things, if you can find a way to understand each other and compromise you still have a chance to find “wedlock.”
Finances
You and your future spouse should discuss your current debt and your future financial goals. Are you spenders or savers? What is your plan for how you will pay your monthly bills, pay down your debt and save for retirement? Are you going to combine your money or maintain separate accounts? Do you plan to check-in with each other before you buy certain things or limit how much you spend individually considering your shared expenses?
Recently a famous professional athlete broke off an engagement two days before the wedding and in a radio interview someone asked me whether or not he should have gone through with it anyway. Absolutely not!! I don’t think it’s ever too late to back out on a wedding. Is it wrong, hurtful and inappropriate? Yes, of course! But no one should get married when they know they don’t want to, even if they are standing on the altar. Their spouse isn’t going to like the end result whether they called it off before the ceremony or after so why go through all of the drama and emotional cost of marrying someone you don’t want to marry to tell them immediately afterward that you didn’t want to marry them in the first place and that you want an annulment or a divorce?
Of course it’s totally irresponsible to call off a wedding after everything is planned, paid for, and friends and family have made travel plans to come to the wedding. But most important and even worse is the emotional pain it will bring to your partner to believe all that time that they are going to spend the rest of their life with you only to find out two days before the big day that they are not. But I still think you should be honest with your partner sooner than later. Faking your way through a wedding ceremony is only going to cause you and your partner a lot of emotional pain and costly legal proceedings to end your relationship. If you need to get out, do it. But next time, pay more attention to the red flags and the signs that the marriage is not meant to be so that you can avoid this pain in the future.
If you end up standing alone at the alter or if your fiance calls off your wedding after it was already planned, I know it must feel like someone ripped your guts out and left you on the floor to die. You have a right to be mad, sad and confused because your partner should not have led you this far down the marriage road just to leave you there alone. But you have to know that it’s better that the person told you now rather than after the ceremony. Even though you can’t see what’s coming, it must be better than what you have right now, so be faithful that your situation will turn around and you will have an opportunity to find love again.
When it comes to dating, if and when you should air your dirty laundry depends on the nature of your relationship. When you first start dating I don’t think you should tell too much too soon. It’s good to maintain an air of mystery about certain things until you can at least determine if the person you’re dating is going to be around long enough to deserve or need to know all of your personal business.
Your partner should earn your trust before you tell them anything you wouldn’t want them to tell someone else. The longer you date and the better you get to know each other, then you can start revealing things that most people may not know about you. But before you get start sharing, I caution you to make sure that the information is something your partner can handle. Many people like to ask how many sexual partners you’ve had, only to turn around and act mortified by your response or the throw the number back in your face to judge you later on.
However, when you get engaged or think you should marry someone, you and that person should be at the point where they have been getting to know you over time and they are comfortable with who you are today, not who you were yesterday. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing certain things about yourself that could be a sign that you and your future spouse may not be as close as you should be.
In Monday’s episode of Wedlock or Deadlock, Tahera and Lennard’s situation is different than a typical “dating” situation because they want to get married and you cannot start a marriage with certain secrets hanging over your relationship. Things like your finances or your relationships with your family and friends are things you need to be open and honest about. When two people get married, they become one in many ways, including financially, so it isn’t fair or practical to think you can keep your debt a secret to someone who will walk down the aisle with you and literally become responsible for half of it that day!
The same thing goes for your relationships with others. You are going to have to come clean about who means what to you rather than try to lie about your relationships in order to have your cake and eat it too. You will have to make some financial and personal sacrifices in order to make a relationship work and if you aren’t ready to do that, then you are not ready for marriage. Once married, how you spend your money will change to incorporate your partner’s wants. Your relationships with others will have to change also as your spouse becomes a priority and others become second in importance.
Whatever is in your past, don’t let it discourage you from sharing it and being intimate with the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. If that person is the right one for you, they will love you despite a few skeletons (EVERYONE has some!).
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
Each half hour episode of “Wedlock or Deadlock” features an engaged couple that has serious concerns about their relationship and wonder whether they have what it takes to get married.
When each show begins, the couple hands over their marriage license to me. At the end of the show I will either return it to them with my blessing or tear it up.
