Dear Friends,
I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
How can I convince my girlfriend not to marry her Ex?
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I’ve been dating this girl for the past year and a half, on and off, but I’ve known her almost 3 years now. When we first met, I was married and she was involved with her long time boyfriend. We fell for each other and became madly in love. She promised me she was going to leave him, and she did. She has very strict parents. In the last couple months she decides to get back with her boyfriend. There is no love there. She tells me she has feelings for two guys, and she doesn’t know what to do. I still see her to this day but her boyfriend doesn’t know. She told me the other day that they are getting married this year. I can’t let her do this–she is making a big mistake. She even told me the other day that her boyfriend doesn’t do half the things I do for her. I don’t get it. All I did was make her happy, and she says I did nothing wrong and that it’s her. I know her family really likes him and they haven’t really met me. Is this a family issue? She wants to be with me. How can I convince her to come back to me? I want to be with her! I really love her!!!! Please help me…
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I wish I could tell you that this is just a “family” issue but I don’t think that it is. Even if her parents are strict and seem to like the other guy, you already said that they haven’t really met you yet, so I’m not convinced that they are against you. I put this squarely on your ex’s shoulders. She is clearly giving you mixed messages. First, she tells you that she has feelings for both of you, but then she said that there is no love there. Well, which one is it? It sounds like you are fighting against her feelings for her ex who she has been dating for almost a whole decade—that’s a long time and clearly she doesn’t have him out of her system yet.
It can’t be entirely her family’s fault because if she left him in the first place, she could have stayed broken up with him and just moved on with you. But she made the choice to go back with him. Now she’s talking about marriage. I don’t believe that she would plan to marry him if she didn’t love him. And, if she is willing to marry someone she doesn’t love just to please her parents, then she doesn’t sound like she understands the commitment and responsibility that marriage requires. I know you are looking for a way to bring her back but if she was with this guy, then you, and then went back to this guy, she has had an opportunity to see what you have to offer her and she still chose the other man. I’m sure that this is very painful but you guys were together for a while and she still made the decision to go back to her ex. If she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her then you have to be willing to let her go. You said in your message that she wants to be with you but if she really wanted to be with you I don’t think she would have returned to her ex or ever agreed to marry him (even with pressure from her family).
Instead of focusing on how to get her back, focus on coming to terms with the fact that she probably isn’t the one for you. You shouldn’t have to beg her—you didn’t do anything wrong! If she doesn’t realize what she has in you, it will be her loss, and once your heart heals, you will be glad you didn’t settle for chasing after someone who is busy chasing someone else.
Stay strong!
Dr. Michelle
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