Women’s Health contributor and psychologist Dr. Michelle Callahan appeared as a guest on CBS’s The Early Show discussing a new study that shows women are outpacing men in education and income.
Find out the implications of this economic shift and what it means for marriages.
CLICK HERE to watch the video.
Answer: How about a compromise? You don’t have to jump back into the dating scene, but you don’t have to be alone either. I don’t know if you have any female friends, but if you enjoy being in the company of a woman and can do so without pushing to make the relationship romantic, then why not spend some time with your female friends? If you have a female friend, there is less pressure because she should have different expectations about what you do together. Or, if you feel that hanging out with a woman is just too much like a date anyway, why not go out on a date but move really slowly, and by slowly I mean, at a crawl? If you haven’t dated in two years I know you have had a lot of time to think about what you could have done differently in that relationship and what you will do differently in your next relationship. These are important things to keep in mind as you move forward.
Most people move way too fast in relationships. If you are concerned about a woman really liking you for you, and her comfort with your financial situation, then you should take your time to just get to know her on a very friendly level, even if you want to reserve the right to make it more like romantic dating if you decide you really like her. Don’t feel like you have to spend a lot of money to go out and have a good time with someone. If you don’t know someone who would enjoy spending time doing less expensive things, then they are the wrong one for you anyway. You shouldn’t bother dating anyone who makes you feel inadequate, especially when you know that you have been through something and that you are working to get back on your feet. Try lower cost events like things that are free–you don’t have to promote the fact that it is free, but if it is and it’s still something fun to do then so what? Where you live there may be free concerts, free movie passes, free days at the museum, etc. You can also find cool places to eat that aren’t expensive but still have good food and atmosphere. Try taking a walk or jog together, going to the park, renting a movie, playing billiards, or cooking the person dinner at home.
You have to be creative but you don’t have to suffer alone. Just move slowly and don’t expect too much. Some people are not going to understand or appreciate your financial situation or your hesitation to get involved quickly, but don’t worry about that. Let those people go their own way and don’t take it personally if they don’t see things the way you do. There are many women out there so don’t commit yourself financially, practically, physically or emotionally until you take the time to get to know if they are even worth your time of day. Once you meet the woman who you know likes you for you, and not for your money (and you will know because of how you interact and spend your time together) you won’t have to wonder about whether the time is right to start dating again. You will be able to confidently know that she is the one to let into your life.
This Ask Dr. Michelle Column was originally posted at http://www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
There are many ways to make a marriage work and be successful. Each couple will have their own understanding and expectations. What may work for your parents or friends may not work for you, so it’s most important that you and your future spouse are in agreement on how your relationship will work. Below are the key areas you should think about before getting married and important questions you should answer before you take a walk down the aisle. How you choose to address each issue is up to you, as long as the two of you can agree on how things should work.
Whatever you do, don’t expect people to change their feelings about important issues like sex, religion or children after you get married. If your partner is telling you that they don’t want to have kids, don’t think that getting married will change their mind. If you aren’t comfortable with their current position on certain issues, you shouldn’t plan to walk down the aisle until you are satisfied with your future spouse’s position on things. Of course things may change, but don’t count on it.
I’ve talked to countless couples on Wedlock or Deadlock who foolishly believe that love and marriage will magically solve their problems. Do your homework first and have these often difficult conversations before you make a lifetime commitment. The last thing you want to do is look back and be angry with yourself because you knew that you and your partner weren’t compatible in certain ways but you ignored that information anyway. Even if you and your partner don’t agree on all things, if you can find a way to understand each other and compromise you still have a chance to find “wedlock.”
Finances
You and your future spouse should discuss your current debt and your future financial goals. Are you spenders or savers? What is your plan for how you will pay your monthly bills, pay down your debt and save for retirement? Are you going to combine your money or maintain separate accounts? Do you plan to check-in with each other before you buy certain things or limit how much you spend individually considering your shared expenses?
Of course it’s natural for everyone to think about their partner’s or future spouse’s earning potential in life because it affects your lifestyle and how you will survive financially. However, the current recession and recent years of rising unemployment should be a wake-up call to people in relationships that you will have to live through some of the “worse,” in the vows “for better or worse.” You or your partner may lose your jobs, your 401k and lifelong savings, your house or your health.
You need to be clear before you walk down the aisle that you love your partner’s spirit and personality enough that you could be happy and satisfied even when you struggle together. The most accomplished and promising looking lifestyles can be lost due to an accident or unexpected event, and then where would you be? Would you be willing to pick up the slack for your partner if they couldn’t work or help you around the house? Would you remain faithful if they couldn’t have sex for an extended period of time or ever, due to injury or illness? Would you be at home blaming them for your situation? Would you be out looking for another mate?!
No one likes to think about the hard times when they are having fun dating or planning a wedding but before you walk down the aisle, you should be sure that your partner loves the real you and not just what you can “do” for them. If all they want to do is spend your money or stand in your spotlight, you need to look for someone who will stick around when there’s less money to spend and you are now standing in the shadows.
Choose wisely and good luck!
I am concerned about the fact that this woman won’t be with you because you are not “wealthy, ” yet you feel that she is “the world” to you—why? Hasn’t breaking up with you twenty times because you aren’t wealthy shown you that this person doesn’t love you more than she loves money or an affluent lifestyle? If both of you make six figures, you can live a comfortable life together. Besides, you still have a lot of life left in you to make even more money as you progress in your career (and she progresses in hers). However, it sounds like she is accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle that you simply cannot provide because becoming “wealthy” would require you to hit the lotto and that is unlikely. But let’s say you did hit the lotto, wouldn’t you feel used and cheated if you settled for a woman who would only agree to be with you after you became a millionaire? I think you deserve someone who recognizes and understands how wonderful you are, just the way you are.
If she is willing to trade love for money, then what can you possibly offer to her? You have already given her the most valuable thing you have which is your heart and your love and she has made it clear that those things just aren’t enough. Her values are monetary and yours are not. I know you have strong feelings for her but it sounds like she is using you (just as you suspect) until the right rich guy comes along. Where is the future of this relationship? Even if she agreed to be with you today, how can you ever feel confident that she isn’t going to leave you for someone with more money (since she has made it so overwhelmingly clear that wealth is a requirement for her)? You can’t continue to ignore the fact that you don’t have something that she simply will not compromise on. I would give all of that good love to some one else who will love you back the right way.
I wish you all the best!
Dr. Michelle
