I wish I could tell you that this is just a “family” issue but I don’t think that it is. Even if her parents are strict and seem to like the other guy, you already said that they haven’t really met you yet, so I’m not convinced that they are against you. I put this squarely on your ex’s shoulders. She is clearly giving you mixed messages. First, she tells you that she has feelings for both of you, but then she said that there is no love there. Well, which one is it? It sounds like you are fighting against her feelings for her ex who she has been dating for almost a whole decade—that’s a long time and clearly she doesn’t have him out of her system yet.
It can’t be entirely her family’s fault because if she left him in the first place, she could have stayed broken up with him and just moved on with you. But she made the choice to go back with him. Now she’s talking about marriage. I don’t believe that she would plan to marry him if she didn’t love him. And, if she is willing to marry someone she doesn’t love just to please her parents, then she doesn’t sound like she understands the commitment and responsibility that marriage requires. I know you are looking for a way to bring her back but if she was with this guy, then you, and then went back to this guy, she has had an opportunity to see what you have to offer her and she still chose the other man. I’m sure that this is very painful but you guys were together for a while and she still made the decision to go back to her ex. If she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her then you have to be willing to let her go. You said in your message that she wants to be with you but if she really wanted to be with you I don’t think she would have returned to her ex or ever agreed to marry him (even with pressure from her family).
Instead of focusing on how to get her back, focus on coming to terms with the fact that she probably isn’t the one for you. You shouldn’t have to beg her—you didn’t do anything wrong! If she doesn’t realize what she has in you, it will be her loss, and once your heart heals, you will be glad you didn’t settle for chasing after someone who is busy chasing someone else.
Stay strong!
Dr. Michelle
(This post is from the “Ask Dr. Michelle” Column at www.drmichelle.com. © Dr. Michelle Callahan)
I know this is a hard thing to hear and accept but right now, butI know this is a hard thing to hear and accept but right now, but you just have to be patient and wait. It is very difficult to get someone to trust you again after you have cheated on them, or “played” them in whatever ways you may have played your former fiancé. I usually warn people who are in new relationships to keep a lot of distance from their “Ex” because they are usually very vulnerable to their Ex and that could lead to them losing their new relationship to an old one that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t know if she should give you another chance and probably neither does she, which is why she is trying to move on with someone who she thinks might give her what she wants. If you aren’t absolutely sure that you are ready to change then you should let her move on instead of getting her caught up in a fantasy of the “new” you. You know that she isn’t over you, but you want her to get over whatever you’ve done to her faster than she is ready. The most effective way I know to regain her trust and respect is to start over.
Start at the beginning by being a good friend, being honest and being respectful of the situation that she is in right now. You are going to have to deal with and work through all of the old “dirt” you did before she is going to be willing to trust you again so get ready for some long conversations. You can try to pressure her into leaving this guy for you, but she doesn’t trust you so that is less likely to work than showing her why she should want to be with you. If you are a reformed player then I know you know how to win someone over and it sounds like her heart is still open to you. Show her that you have respect for other people’s relationships and that you are no longer the type of guy that would go around trying to take another man’s woman or make her cheat on him. Win her over. You shouldn’t have to take her; she should want to come to you. If you respect her new relationship and give her some space, she has the option to come back to you if she decides that this new person is not the one for her. Your patience, determination, perseverance, honesty and respect are what could ultimately convince her to give you another chance.
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
The woman you used to date wants to have her cake and eat it too. She cannot demand that you continue to treat her like you all are dating, if you are no longer dating! If you want to be friends with her that is fine, but SHE can’t tell YOU that you MUST call her. It sounds like she still wants all of the comforts and benefits of dating without the costs. Maybe she wants you to hang around for a while and help transition her out of this relationship with you until she is ready for a relationship with someone else. It isn’t fair to expect you to treat her like a girlfriend if she isn’t going to treat you like a boyfriend. Don’t feel obligated to let her play with your feelings. All you need to do is stand up to her and set some clear boundaries that work for you. You are acting like you have to compromise with her (as if you are in a relationship) when you don’t owe her that. If you don’t want to play these games then speak up and say so.
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
Thinking about having sex with your Ex? Before you do…check this out!
Are you still hooked on an ex and thinking about hooking up again? People are always asking me about whether or not they should get back together with their ex. So, if you are wondering how to handle it or whether or not it is a good idea at all, I have answers to your questions about how to deal with the temptation to get involved with someone from your past.
If you are still hooked on your ex…don’t hook up! Particularly if you are a female, dating or sleeping with your ex can re-ignite the flame you have burning for someone who isn’t also carrying a torch for you. Boredom or the “urge to merge” may seem like a good reason to hook up just this once, but chances are that you will have to deal with some very uncomfortable emotional consequences after your interaction.
An ex is an ex for a reason. Therefore, whatever made you want to end it with your ex the first time around is likely to reappear and annoy or upset you. In fact, you should ask yourself why you are willing to go backwards in time to a relationship or interaction that you know is probably unhealthy.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself before you hook up:
- Do my ex and I want the same thing out of this situation?
- Do I really want to do this or am I just lonely, bored or just want to have sex?
- Am I going to be okay after this or am I going to feel guilty or get my feelings hurt?
