Dear Friends,
I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
My Friend Stopped Talking to Me Because I Had a Baby with My Boyfriend Who Cheated
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Question: I tell my best friend everything. I have been with my man for a few years and he has cheated on me. Since then we had a beautiful baby girl and I didn’t hear from my best friend for six months. We used to talk everyday, literally. I finally called her and she said she stopped talking to me because she was upset that I had a baby with him. We have been through thick and thin, but at this point I’m confused. Is she really the friend I thought she was? Shouldn’t she just have been happy for me?
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Answer: Should she have cut you off cold, especially after having a baby? Absolutely not. If anything, she could have told you sooner how she felt and what she wanted to change about your relationship. She might have felt happy about the baby but allowed herself to distracted by who you chose to have your baby with and that’s not her decision to make. Yes, you should be disappointed in how she handled it and who knows what else was going on in her head that made her think she should just disappear from your life like that. She may have even been jealous that you two were able to recover from infidelity and work things out.
Now, let me shed some light on why I think she might have disappeared. Sometimes we have to be careful about how much we share with our friends. Even though we don’t mean to, sometimes we frustrate them out by over-sharing our problems. It may have been too much for her to go through all of the cheating with you and then for you to say you were having a baby with the person she probably dislikes given all that you’ve shared. She probably didn’t understand or respect your decision.
In the ideal world we want our friends to be there for us through everything and under all circumstances but our friends have lives and feelings too and they get frustrated when they see us making what they see as poor choices (and they may in fact be poor choices). When you want to go through the same problems over and over and then talk about them everyday, sometimes friends can’t handle that.
I’m not excusing your friend. I’m saying you have to be careful about how much of your business you share with anyone, especially about your partner if you plan to stay with him through a lot of drama and expect your friends to still be cool with him. Most people’s mothers, sisters and aunties wouldn’t be happy about your decision either. They probably wouldn’t cut you off cold turkey because you’re family, but they might back away from you for a while so that they don’t have to ride that emotional roller coaster with you.
You may have let your romantic relationship problems become almost 100% of what you talked to your friend about so that your friendship became little more than a venting session about your relationship. That’s when your girlfriend sees you calling and doesn’t take your call because she doesn’t want to hear anymore about “him” again. When we don’t work on our friendships they start to fall apart. I bet if you two could get back to focusing more on your friendship and less on your relationship with your boyfriend, you could patch things up.
Hopefully, you’ve both learned from this situation, and if you want to, you can still be friends (unless in your time apart you’ve realized that you are better off without each other). When you’re friends with someone a long time you have to “grow-up” and mature with them over time and that may mean disappointing them along the way but it doesn’t have to be the end of the friendship. This was a learning experience that you can recover from and rebuild if you choose.
Good luck!
Copyright 2010 Dr. Michelle Callahan. All rights reserved. This article on friendship was originally published in Dr. Michelle’s online advice column at www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
How do I know if I need to see a counselor?
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Question: Hi Dr. Michelle. I’ve seen you on television several times and I really like the advice you give. I had something bad happen to me when I was younger. Do I need to see a counselor? What can I do?
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Answer: Congratulations on having the strength and maturity to reach out for help when you need it. If you are having painful memories of your past and you feel that you can’t stop thinking about what happened or that your painful thoughts affect your day to day life (especially by depression or anxiety) for more than a couple weeks, then you should seek counseling with the help of a licensed clinical psychologist or social worker.
You can try several referral services to find someone who is certified or licensed to work with people with the type of problem you are having. Below are some suggestions:
• Go to www.therapistlocator.net to find a marriage and family therapist
• Call the American Psychological Association at 1-800-964-2000. They can use your zip code to give you a referral to a psychologist in your state. Or you can visit their website at http://locator.apa.org/ to locate a referral online.
• Visit http://www.helpstartshere.org/common/search/default.asp to search the National Association of Social Workers database for a Clinical Social Worker
• If you are looking for an African-American therapist, you can visit the Association of Black Psychologists’ Psychologist Listing page at http://www.abpsi.org/index.php/listing
I wish you all the best!
Dr. Michelle
Copyright 2009 Dr. Michelle Callahan. All rights reserved. This article on referrals to mental health counselors was originally published in Dr. Michelle’s online advice column at www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
How do I become a successful relationship and family counselor?
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Question: I watch you on TV and I must say that I love what you do. My major is sociology and my minor is psychology. My aspirations are to go to graduate school and get my Master’s in Counseling and become certified in Marriage and Family Therapy. My question is “do you have any advice for someone who is aspiring to become a relationship counselor?” Is there any specific path that I should take in order to become a successful relationship and family counselor?
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Answer: There are several approaches to a career as a mental health professional who specializes in working with couples. You could become a clinical psychologist, a counseling psychologist, a clinical social worker, a marriage and family therapist, or a relationship coach. Each profession differs by its focus on human behavior and its approach to helping the client(s) resolve problems. In order to know which classes to take and subjects to major in, you really have to do more research to understand which of these jobs (or others) might appeal to you most. Most of the careers require a master’s degree or a Ph.D. and when you are finished with graduate school you typically have to take an exam and become “licensed” to practice psychotherapy in your state.
Some great places to look for more information are:
• The American Psychological Association (www.apa.org). Visit http://www.apa.org/students/brochure/index.html for an online brochure about careers in psychology that explains all of the different types of psychology (clinical, developmental, social, etc.), what psychologists do and how to plan your education and career as a psychologist.
I don’t know if I’m the long-distance relationship type.
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Question: I’m in a long-distance relationship but I feel bad because I’m not sure the long-distance thing is for me. Should I keep trying?
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Answer: If you decide to recommit to making the relationship work, try lots of different ways to stay in touch and see which ones you really like or that are easiest to do. Some people love texting, others prefer video chat because you can see the person. If you aren’t inspired to use any of these ways of communicating, then something else is probably going on. Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone because some people don’t do well when they are physically apart. You may not like to talk on the phone or you may not be satisfied by being in touch electronically. If you want to see and touch there’s nothing wrong with that, unless of course you are trying to make a long-distance relationship work! The best way to know if a long-distance relationship will work for you is to understand your own personality and to give it a try. In the past you may not have been into communication technology, but the opportunity to keep in touch with someone you love can make texting or email a lot more fun. However, it may not change the fact that you want to go out on a date, not have a video date and if that’s who you are, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t the long-distance type. Those relationships need time and attention to make up for the physical closeness so if you don’t have the time or won’t invest it, tell your partner and part ways before you really hurt each other.
I’m in a long-distance relationship and my partner doesn’t keep in touch!
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Question: How do I survive a long-distance relationship when my partner doesn’t communicate on a regular basis?
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Answer: Since you are in a long-distance relationship, the least your partner can do is to stay in contact with you. You can’t physically be together so your relationship is in most ways defined by communicating long distance. No communication=no relationship. If your partner isn’t the type of person who likes to stay in touch, your long distance relationship doesn’t have much of a chance to survive and you shouldn’t be willing to compromise your own need just to stay in the relationship. You shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t have an equal commitment to you. It’s not a matter of “making” him stay in contact with you, he should want to be in contact with you. It’s very possible that this isn’t working for him and that the lack of communication is a sign that the relationship is stuck or that you are growing apart. If you are willing to be faithful to him even though he doesn’t stay in touch with you, he might want to keep you around because he can have a girlfriend without doing anything. When he feels like talking to you, he’s got a girlfriend waiting on him. If you want more attention, you have to insist on it. Ask him about what’s going on with your relationship and if he says he is still interested, tell him exactly what you need from him to make this long-distance relationship work. We have talking, texting, tweeting, emailing, letter writing, chatting, video chatting and the list goes on. There are too many ways to stay connected for him to be so out of touch. If he doesn’t make the adjustment, you should look for someone who wants to be in a relationship with you–you deserve it!
For more tips on making long-distance relationships work, read my post Five Tips for Making Long Distance Relationships Work.
Stay strong!
Dr. Michelle
