Far too many women and men are living in relationships allowing their love to be blind and ignoring important information about their partners and their relationships. In my new book Ms. Typed, I call the women who ignore what they don’t want to see or know “Ms. Rose Colored Glasses” because they look at life through a rosy lens that minimizes the importance of major problems they need to be concerned about.
“Ms. Rose Colored Glasses” won’t see the truth about the man she’s dating or what’s wrong with their relationship. She just keeps on going like nothing is wrong until she crashes into reality. Her optimism is helpful when applied to other areas of her life. But in love, it creates a blind spot that hides the truth she doesn’t realize she is strong enough to face.
Some of Ms. Rose-Colored Glasses’ characteristics include:
- She believes only the good things men say and ignores their bad habits and the warning signs that are signaling trouble. She talks too much and listens too little.
- She overlooks her man’s flaws because she wrongfully assumes he is going to change. She patiently waits for a change that won’t be coming.
- She doesn’t understand that it’s what he does, not what he says that matters most.
- She acts too optimistic. Her glass is always half full when it comes to dating, even if it’s half full of poison!
One year ago today I lost my mentor. It’s so silly because all of my life I always thought of her as my aunt and eventually my Godmother, but for the first time, today, I realize yet another thing she was to me. She was my mentor.
Her name is Anjanelle McKinney Carter. It’s 4am here in New York and I’m up thinking about her. She is pretty amazing on so many levels so it only makes sense that she would be my mentor.
The list of things my aunt taught me are somewhat endless. As she neared the end of her battle with breast cancer I started to retrace our steps together and I couldn’t help but see how much she shaped me, and my growth.
Anjanelle taught me how to sew. We sewed clothes for my Barbies! She taught me how to use a computer before there were Macs and Windows and you had to write DOS commands for everything (some of you all may have no idea what I’m even talking about!). She let me have her Atari 2400 back when that was the first home video game console and every kid was dying to have one! In school I wrote reports saying she was the person I most admired. When I was young, she and I were even in fashion shows together.
Recently a famous professional athlete broke off an engagement two days before the wedding and in a radio interview someone asked me whether or not he should have gone through with it anyway. Absolutely not!! I don’t think it’s ever too late to back out on a wedding. Is it wrong, hurtful and inappropriate? Yes, of course! But no one should get married when they know they don’t want to, even if they are standing on the altar. Their spouse isn’t going to like the end result whether they called it off before the ceremony or after so why go through all of the drama and emotional cost of marrying someone you don’t want to marry to tell them immediately afterward that you didn’t want to marry them in the first place and that you want an annulment or a divorce?
Of course it’s totally irresponsible to call off a wedding after everything is planned, paid for, and friends and family have made travel plans to come to the wedding. But most important and even worse is the emotional pain it will bring to your partner to believe all that time that they are going to spend the rest of their life with you only to find out two days before the big day that they are not. But I still think you should be honest with your partner sooner than later. Faking your way through a wedding ceremony is only going to cause you and your partner a lot of emotional pain and costly legal proceedings to end your relationship. If you need to get out, do it. But next time, pay more attention to the red flags and the signs that the marriage is not meant to be so that you can avoid this pain in the future.
If you end up standing alone at the alter or if your fiance calls off your wedding after it was already planned, I know it must feel like someone ripped your guts out and left you on the floor to die. You have a right to be mad, sad and confused because your partner should not have led you this far down the marriage road just to leave you there alone. But you have to know that it’s better that the person told you now rather than after the ceremony. Even though you can’t see what’s coming, it must be better than what you have right now, so be faithful that your situation will turn around and you will have an opportunity to find love again.
Of course it’s natural for everyone to think about their partner’s or future spouse’s earning potential in life because it affects your lifestyle and how you will survive financially. However, the current recession and recent years of rising unemployment should be a wake-up call to people in relationships that you will have to live through some of the “worse,” in the vows “for better or worse.” You or your partner may lose your jobs, your 401k and lifelong savings, your house or your health.
You need to be clear before you walk down the aisle that you love your partner’s spirit and personality enough that you could be happy and satisfied even when you struggle together. The most accomplished and promising looking lifestyles can be lost due to an accident or unexpected event, and then where would you be? Would you be willing to pick up the slack for your partner if they couldn’t work or help you around the house? Would you remain faithful if they couldn’t have sex for an extended period of time or ever, due to injury or illness? Would you be at home blaming them for your situation? Would you be out looking for another mate?!
No one likes to think about the hard times when they are having fun dating or planning a wedding but before you walk down the aisle, you should be sure that your partner loves the real you and not just what you can “do” for them. If all they want to do is spend your money or stand in your spotlight, you need to look for someone who will stick around when there’s less money to spend and you are now standing in the shadows.
Choose wisely and good luck!
As the host of Wedlock or Deadlock, I meet many men and women whose bad dating habits reduce their chances of finding a good mate and having a successful marriage. My book Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Rewrite Your Romantic Future describes ten dating personalities that can sabotage love and prevent couples from taking that walk down the aisle. I gave each dating type a name that explains their dating challenge. Do any of these types sound like you?
• Ms. Second Place: She allows herself to be a low priority in a man’s life.
• Ms. Sex Machine: She settles for physical intimacy when she really wants an emotional connection.
• Ms. Soul Mate: She so wants to be in love that she mistakes every date for “the one.”
• Ms. Drama Queen: She only dates bad boys and unavailable men.
• Ms. Mom: She makes it a priority to fix her man’s life instead of her own.
• Ms. Anaconda: She’s so needy, she suffocates every man she dates.
• Ms. Independent: She’s been hurt before and won’t let her guard down.
• Ms. Perfect: She thinks she’s too good for every man.
• Ms. Bag Lady: She allows her “emotional baggage” to sabotage her dates.
• Ms. Rose-Colored: She ignores the truth about her mate and only sees what she wants to see.
