Answer: If you decide to recommit to making the relationship work, try lots of different ways to stay in touch and see which ones you really like or that are easiest to do. Some people love texting, others prefer video chat because you can see the person. If you aren’t inspired to use any of these ways of communicating, then something else is probably going on. Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone because some people don’t do well when they are physically apart. You may not like to talk on the phone or you may not be satisfied by being in touch electronically. If you want to see and touch there’s nothing wrong with that, unless of course you are trying to make a long-distance relationship work! The best way to know if a long-distance relationship will work for you is to understand your own personality and to give it a try. In the past you may not have been into communication technology, but the opportunity to keep in touch with someone you love can make texting or email a lot more fun. However, it may not change the fact that you want to go out on a date, not have a video date and if that’s who you are, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t the long-distance type. Those relationships need time and attention to make up for the physical closeness so if you don’t have the time or won’t invest it, tell your partner and part ways before you really hurt each other.
I’m in a long-distance relationship and my partner doesn’t keep in touch!
Ask Dr. MichelleNo Comments »Answer: Since you are in a long-distance relationship, the least your partner can do is to stay in contact with you. You can’t physically be together so your relationship is in most ways defined by communicating long distance. No communication=no relationship. If your partner isn’t the type of person who likes to stay in touch, your long distance relationship doesn’t have much of a chance to survive and you shouldn’t be willing to compromise your own need just to stay in the relationship. You shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t have an equal commitment to you. It’s not a matter of “making” him stay in contact with you, he should want to be in contact with you. It’s very possible that this isn’t working for him and that the lack of communication is a sign that the relationship is stuck or that you are growing apart. If you are willing to be faithful to him even though he doesn’t stay in touch with you, he might want to keep you around because he can have a girlfriend without doing anything. When he feels like talking to you, he’s got a girlfriend waiting on him. If you want more attention, you have to insist on it. Ask him about what’s going on with your relationship and if he says he is still interested, tell him exactly what you need from him to make this long-distance relationship work. We have talking, texting, tweeting, emailing, letter writing, chatting, video chatting and the list goes on. There are too many ways to stay connected for him to be so out of touch. If he doesn’t make the adjustment, you should look for someone who wants to be in a relationship with you–you deserve it!
For more tips on making long-distance relationships work, read my post Five Tips for Making Long Distance Relationships Work.
Stay strong!
Dr. Michelle
Today on Wedlock or Deadlock, Tenaja and Antonio revealed some of the difficulties couples face while being engaged but living separated by a long distance. I think they are a great couple with a lot of potential for a successful relationship, I just want them to make sure they are both comfortable and certain before they walk down the aisle. So here are five tips for them or any other couple in a long distance relationship, to help them keep their relationship strong and intimate until they can reunite permanently:
1) Communicate on a regular basis
It is so important to stay connected to your partner and to communicate on a regular basis. In addition to talking about the serious and important things, it’s okay to just talk about the regular day to day things going on in your life. You can even mix things up and change the way you normally communicate by using email, instant messaging, video chat or writing a letter.
2) Do things together despite the distance
Find creative ways to participate in shared activities. For example, watch a TV show (like Wedlock or Deadlock, LOL!) or movie at the same time and then talk about it afterward or even during the show. Play an online game together or read a book at the same time.
It sounds like your ex-girlfriend is focusing on getting herself together and doesn’t want to rush back into a relationship with you based on the POSSIBILITY that you are ready now. You said that it was hard for her to find good work back at home and that nobody thought she would make it out west. Now she has found good work and is making it on her own, you want to come back into the picture. Even though she has moved on with her life, you want her to move back home to be with you because you are NOW ready to get married. That’s a hard decision for her to make. There is nothing wrong with being hesitant to remarry after a failed marriage, but from her perspective, you weren’t ready and since nothing great was keeping her at home, she moved away and started a new life. Now that she is happy and successful where she is, you are asking her to give all of that up on the CHANCE that you are now ready to marry her. You want her to give up her new life and career and she is thinking that you should have said all of this before she left town. If she was struggling living at home before, she may fear that she will struggle again if she moves back.
If you are serious about her being “the one,” maybe you should consider moving out west and joining her. Can you get a transfer at your job? Interested in making a change after all these years? In your mind it makes the most sense for you to stay at your job because you’ve been there for so long and for her to come home because that is where you both started. But in her mind she may feel that if you want her: 1)you have to prove it; 2) you have to win back her trust and confidence in you and your relationship; and 3) you have to accept her desire to have her own life, goals and aspirations. You keep asking her to get on YOUR program: to get married when YOU want and to move to where YOU live. There are no guarantees, but if you want to show her that you are really serious, you may have to make some moves toward getting on HER program. And I have to be real with you, six months away from you coupled with the fact that she doesn’t act too excited about you anymore could mean that she isn’t just upset about what happened, it could mean that she is in fact over you. So you have a big risk to take, figuring out how far to go to try to win her back, realizing that she may already be gone and no sacrifice, no matter how big, will change her mind.
Give it some more time. She needs time to see that you are serious and that this isn’t just a good mood you are in right now. And you need time to see if she is interesting in getting back together with you, before you go and do something drastic to prove your love to her.
I wish you all the best!
Dr. Michelle
Distance does not mean that you cannot pursue a friendship or romantic relationship with someone who lives somewhere else. With today’s technology of text, chat, email, video chat, free internet phone service and social networking sites, it is easy to keep in touch with someone long distance on a regular basis. Sometimes the distance allows people to really get to know more about each other before they get physically involved.
I do feel however, that before you or your partner decides to move closer to each other or move in with each other, that you take a significant amount of time getting to know each other. You still need to follow some of the same rules of dating that you would follow if you were living in the same place, which include taking your time to really get to know a person before you decide to move in, get married or have kids. Oftentimes, when you just talk by phone, you don’t get to know what someone is like on a day-to-day basis in person. It can be like an extended honeymoon period where everything stays very happy all of the time because you aren’t doing the more boring or difficult things like deciding who is going to cook dinner or clean the bathroom. Instead you may just be sharing all of the good times and avoiding the bad, which you can’t avoid when you are together in the same space. It may be that on your short visits to see each other that you have a great time, but those short visits are not the same as living together.
Sometimes the distance between people is what keeps them excited about seeing each other, like the idea of “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” You will have to make sure that you and your partner don’t get bored with each other when you are always able to be together. Whatever you do, don’t be discouraged by the distance, just take it slow. Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
