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It’s not him…It’s YOU

Blog, Ms. Typed

Check out this article reviewing my book “Ms. Typed”

Sydney Morning Herald

 

 

Source: The Sydney Morning Herald

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are back in the news. This time Pitt has come out and called his ex-wife “dull”, telling US magazine Parade that in his marriage he felt rather pathetic and spent his life with her sitting on the couch, smoking weed and hiding from the world. (He’s since spent the past few days back-pedalling big time!)

While we’ve long wondered exactly why Pitt made such a hasty exit from the gorgeous Aniston (surely Angelina Jolie couldn’t have been that convincing?), all this makes me wonder: who really is at fault when relationships go sour? The man in having too many expectations and not being able to be monogamous? Or the woman showing some startling behavioural traits that make a man want to run for the nearest exit and never look back?

Just in case you’re wondering, here’s a startling revelation: I don’t believe all men are bastards. Seriously.

Yes, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, been given false hopes and been told that he’s in love with me, only to discover he’s been dating someone else all along. (True story.)

But if you’re constantly finding yourself dumped by yet another man you’ve dubbed a “douchebag” who gives you a spurious reason (or no reason at all but, instead, simply decides one day to go MIA and then moves on without a word), then think about it this way … it might not be them, it might in fact be you.

Or at least that’s the theory of Dr. Michelle Callahan, TV host, psychologist and author of Ms. Typed: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships and Find Dating Success. 

Ms. Typed Paperback Cover

“You may be sabotaging yourself with men and not even realising it,” she writes.

She says there are eight types of female personalities that deter blokes from wanting to commit.

Reading through her list, I chuckled at some, was appalled by others, and definitely recognised all eight in the women who constantly whine and complain to me that all men are bastards.

The problem with being one of these women, says Callahan, is that Mr. Right could easily pass you by.

“You could miss out on the man because he’s ready for you but you’re not ready for him. This could be the man you’ve been hoping and praying for but if you and your life are a mess, in his healthy state of mind he might decide to move on. Men aren’t going to want to date you if you’re a hot mess on the inside or the outside. So why not spend time when you’re single working on being the best you can and resolving your own ‘issues’ so that, when he shows up, you’re ready?”

The issues she describes in the book are below. My thoughts follow on each … What are yours?

Ms. Second place: She allows herself to be a low priority in a mans life. 

True, men have work, mates, sports and their own independence to take care of. But when you’re constantly being delegated to second place in his life, things aren’t exactly so peaches and cream for you. I’m not quite sure why so many women decide that they’d be better off being in second place than having no man at all. Especially when there are plenty of men out there who will happily put you first. But heed a word of advice: no amount of nagging or cajoling is going to make him change his mind.

Ms. Sex Machine: She settles for physical intimacy when she really wants an emotional connection.

Recent stats came out from the University of Iowa saying that casual sex can indeed lead to something more meaningful and lasting.

Journalists the world over picked up the story in haste declaring that sex on the first date is back! That more women should break the rules! That we should live our lives according to how we want, rather than a set of stringent rules! Well, guess what? Sleeping with a dude before you’ve created a real connection can never go well. Women go crazy (thanks to oxytocin), the men get cocky (“I’ve had her … next!”) and all goes to hell in a hand basket. I’m not advocating being a prude, but if you are not yet sure of his intentions, you better make damn well sure you find out before you hop into the sack with him.

Ms. Soul Mate: She so wants to be in love that she mistakes every date for ‘the one.

Ah, the soul mate searcher, also known as the “husband hunter”, “boyfriend searcher” or “desperate singleton”. Men complain to me about these types of women all too often.

“It’s become a sport for these women,” says one lothario. “I see them out at the bar: they’re looking anxiously for their husband and it seems any man will do as long as they have a job and a credit card. It’s not appealing at all. I worry about these women.”

Ladies, what happened to getting to know someone? To working out whether or not he’s good enough for you, rather than constantly trying to prove that you’re good enough for him?

While societal pressures these days force women to believe that they must find a man urgently, settle down and have babies before it’s too late, if you slow down to smell the roses and actually get to know yourself and the men you date before deciding they’re “the one”, you might be able to avoid all this “hunting” behaviour and actually snag a decent one.

Ms. Drama Queen: She only dates bad boys and unavailable men.

I’ve seen this behaviour, often stemming from deep-rooted father issues, being played out all too often. These women don’t trust men and don’t believe that there are any good ones out there.

Feeling “safe” in a relationship isn’t an option. So they choose the baddest bloke of the bunch, believing that they deserve to be treated the way these men treat them because that’s the only thing they know. Things inevitably spiral out of control and they find themselves dating yet another (often worse) bad boy who refuses to commit, is emotionally abusive and, worst of all, just doesn’t give a shit.

Sounds charming, doesn’t it?

Ms. Mom: She makes it a priority to fix her mans life instead of her own.

True, many women would love to “fix” their blokes. And yes, there are many women out there whom psychologists would dub innate “rescuers”. Hence they go about finding a man with flaws so big they feel their mission in life is to fix them and then all will be right in the world and their relationship.

While there’s nothing wrong with helping a man grow, change and advance, the trouble occurs when the man simply doesn’t want to be fixed, and the woman’s left feeling under-appreciated and worthless. The key here is to finding your own self worth elsewhere (preferably within) and attracting a man who already has his life together.

Ms. Anaconda:  Shes so needy, she suffocates every man she dates.

Almost 100 per cent of men I interview say the top turn-off in a woman is if she’s needy. The only solution? Get a life, pronto.

Ms. Independent: Shes been hurt before and wont let her guard down.

These are most single women I know. With the marriage age being delayed and more and more single girls out there than ever before attempting to navigate the sticky world of dating, we’ve seen more bad male behaviour than we’d care to have witnessed in a lifetime.

The only choice we’ve had? To become so independent that it doesn’t matter whether he’s there or not.

Somehow I don’t think this personality trait is such a bad thing. In fact, the other day I saw Eva Longoria tell Ellen DeGeneres on her show that, after her divorce from Tony Parker, she learnt the most important lesson of all: modern women should never define themselves by a man.

“Women are socially constructed to put their identity with a man or their marriage,” she said. “But it’s important for women to have an identity without either.”

Amen to that …