I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
I am a 30 year old used to be, has been “player.” I was engaged to the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. We were engaged for two years. The problem is my past lifestyle. It caused me to lose her. Now she is with someone else and I respect that, but I still love her. I see now more than ever how much she meant to me. She tells me that she is in love with him, but I know her, I can tell when she is lying. Every time we talk it always ends up leading to the past. She moved in with him right after our break-up, but we still continued to see each other. She says that she can’t believe in the change I’ve made because people can’t change over night. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Help?
I know this is a hard thing to hear and accept but right now, but you just have to be patient and wait. It is very difficult to get someone to trust you again after you have cheated on them, or “played” them in whatever ways you may have played your former fiancé. I usually warn people who are in new relationships to keep a lot of distance from their “Ex” because they are usually very vulnerable to their Ex and that could lead to them losing their new relationship to an old one that isn’t going anywhere. I don’t know if she should give you another chance and probably neither does she, which is why she is trying to move on with someone who she thinks might give her what she wants. If you aren’t absolutely sure that you are ready to change then you should let her move on instead of getting her caught up in a fantasy of the “new” you. You know that she isn’t over you, but you want her to get over whatever you’ve done to her faster than she is ready. The most effective way I know to regain her trust and respect is to start over.
Start at the beginning by being a good friend, being honest and being respectful of the situation that she is in right now. You are going to have to deal with and work through all of the old “dirt” you did before she is going to be willing to trust you again so get ready for some long conversations. You can try to pressure her into leaving this guy for you, but she doesn’t trust you so that is less likely to work than showing her why she should want to be with you. If you are a reformed player then I know you know how to win someone over and it sounds like her heart is still open to you. Show her that you have respect for other people’s relationships and that you are no longer the type of guy that would go around trying to take another man’s woman or make her cheat on him. Win her over. You shouldn’t have to take her; she should want to come to you. If you respect her new relationship and give her some space, she has the option to come back to you if she decides that this new person is not the one for her. Your patience, determination, perseverance, honesty and respect are what could ultimately convince her to give you another chance.