In my book Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Find Dating Success, I refer to a dating type called Ms. Sex Machine. So who is this woman “Ms. Sex Machine?” When it comes to dating, she’s just a normal woman who settles for physical and sexual intimacy when what she really wants is a relationship and emotional intimacy. She uses sex as a weapon to manipulate men and get what she wants (except a relationship!). She thinks she has to give away her most prized possession to buy a man’s love and attention, when all she needs to do is allow her great personality to shine, and men will want to know more.
So why do I care if other women aren’t concerned about how they are mistreating their bodies and minds? I care because there are consequences to putting sex first when what you really want is a relationship. If you have been mistyped as Ms. Sex Machine, what are the negative consequences when you put sex first in your relationship?
You lower your self-worth and self-esteem. If you use sex to hold a man’s attention, you are telling him and yourself that you are not worthy of love and attention. The longer you go around believing that about yourself, the more likely you are to continue to make very poor choices in relationships, because you will act as if you have to bribe a man with sex to be with you. For your personal health and happiness and your relationship success, you have to love yourself first.
You feel guilt. Women make a lot of decisions in relationships that they feel guilty about and later regret. Having sex too soon or when you didn’t really want to, are two good examples of experiences you may later regret. That guilt only leads to judgment and even lower feelings of self-worth. Women look back on that time with a lot of guilt and regret, and carry around shame for decisions they felt okay with at the time but later wish they could undo.
You have repressed emotions. Unlike the woman who knows she can’t handle sex with no strings attached, you may have built an emotional wall that prevents you from realizing when the sex-only interactions are wearing on you. You may be tired of it, and feel ready to settle down, but will avoid the conflict of trying to change your relationships, by refusing to admit your desire for more.
You sabotage potential relationships. As long as you keep using sex as bait, you will continue to attract primarily sexual experiences. If you are used to putting the sex first in your relationship, not ever expecting it to grow into something serious, you may be sabotaging your ability to develop a more balanced and serious relationship.
Don’t despair! If you are putting sex first in your relationships and it isn’t working for you, or if you think you might be Ms. Sex Machine, pick up a copy of Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Rewrite Your Romantic Future so that you learn more about how to transform yourself from Ms. Sex Machine to Ms. No Milk for Free.
Stay strong…you CAN change your love life!