I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
I am a 40-year-old woman. I met a man about three years ago and he asked me to marry him. We have been engaged since. He told me that he would build a rapport with his parents so that I can get to know them and he can tell them of our plans to be married. This has not happened. When I put a timeline on this, all hell broke loose. He has been rude to me often and does not answer his phone when I call or reply to my messages. He sometimes does, but not always. He does not make plans with me for our weekends and when he does make plans, he goes out on Friday or Saturday night and tells me at the last minute so I end up alone! This has happened about four times. I am ready to dump him.
Can you tell me what you see in this situation? Should I contact his parents? They do not know that he has been living with me.
I absolutely do not think that you should contact this man’s parents. You are forty years old and that makes you a very GROWN woman. Contacting his parents is about as elementary school as telling someone’s Mom that they stole your candy bar. You and he are supposed to be in the big leagues now, so if you can’t handle this situation without telling on him to his parents, he doesn’t sound like he is ready for a relationship, and certainly not marriage. I don’t know his age, but if he doesn’t want his parents to know about you that sounds like a problem. If you are close in age, it would seem that he should have a handle on being an adult and his parents should recognize that he is going to make certain decisions about growing up, being a man and doing grown up man things like getting married. Either he is probably embarrassed by something about you or he is not serious about marrying you because it is hard to imagine many other reasons why he wouldn’t have told his parents by now and no you don’t have to put up with it. He may be using the parent excuse as a stalling tactic to drag the engagement out a little bit longer.
But of course I have to ask, so, if his parents don’t like you does that mean that the two of you won’t get married? He is making it sound like you can’t move forward without his parents’ knowledge AND approval. That would make sense if he was 17, but not now. If he is blowing you and your dates off, it sounds like he is looking for some space. If he has been stringing you along for too long and he does several other things that make you raise an eyebrow, I suggest that you take some time and take a serious look at the possibility of marriage. As of right now, he’s acting like he’s not even sure about the relationship, and he certainly doesn’t seem sure about the marriage.
Hang in there, the truth will come out soon.
I wish you all the best!