I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
We had a huge fight. What’s the best way to fix it?
After a big nasty fight, it’s a good idea to apologize for the inappropriate and hurtful things you said. You said it; now own it. Tell him that you know the things you said were low blows, that you should not have said them, and that you don’t plan on saying anything like that again. Hopefully, he will follow your lead and also apologize for what he said. If he doesn’t, tell him how his words hurt you and made you feel. That way he understands that you didn’t forget about the fight and that it is having a lasting effect on you.
Once you clear the air and let each other know how sorry you are, why not do something fun or romantic to get things back on track. Spend some quiet time together at home or plan a romantic dinner to give yourselves the opportunity to reconnect and share loving feelings. It’s hard to move on “intimately” when you are still carrying negative emotions from the fight. If the fight affected your sex life, talking through those negative feelings should help open the door to more intimacy. After you’ve talked things through and you feel comfortable and ready, try getting physically close so that you can put this incident behind you and get things back on track.
Going forward you need to do everything in your power to avoid saying nasty things to each other. Cursing, insults and making fun of bad past experiences should always be off the table. As soon as something like that comes out of your mouth, you know that the conversation is now officially out of control and needs to stop immediately. Apologize, acknowledge that you are too upset to talk fairly and rationally, and ask for some time to calm down and then continue the conversation later.