Dear Friends,
I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question)
My Friend Stopped Talking to Me Because I Had a Baby with My Boyfriend Who Cheated
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Question: I tell my best friend everything. I have been with my man for a few years and he has cheated on me. Since then we had a beautiful baby girl and I didn’t hear from my best friend for six months. We used to talk everyday, literally. I finally called her and she said she stopped talking to me because she was upset that I had a baby with him. We have been through thick and thin, but at this point I’m confused. Is she really the friend I thought she was? Shouldn’t she just have been happy for me?
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Answer: Should she have cut you off cold, especially after having a baby? Absolutely not. If anything, she could have told you sooner how she felt and what she wanted to change about your relationship. She might have felt happy about the baby but allowed herself to distracted by who you chose to have your baby with and that’s not her decision to make. Yes, you should be disappointed in how she handled it and who knows what else was going on in her head that made her think she should just disappear from your life like that. She may have even been jealous that you two were able to recover from infidelity and work things out.
Now, let me shed some light on why I think she might have disappeared. Sometimes we have to be careful about how much we share with our friends. Even though we don’t mean to, sometimes we frustrate them out by over-sharing our problems. It may have been too much for her to go through all of the cheating with you and then for you to say you were having a baby with the person she probably dislikes given all that you’ve shared. She probably didn’t understand or respect your decision.
In the ideal world we want our friends to be there for us through everything and under all circumstances but our friends have lives and feelings too and they get frustrated when they see us making what they see as poor choices (and they may in fact be poor choices). When you want to go through the same problems over and over and then talk about them everyday, sometimes friends can’t handle that.
I’m not excusing your friend. I’m saying you have to be careful about how much of your business you share with anyone, especially about your partner if you plan to stay with him through a lot of drama and expect your friends to still be cool with him. Most people’s mothers, sisters and aunties wouldn’t be happy about your decision either. They probably wouldn’t cut you off cold turkey because you’re family, but they might back away from you for a while so that they don’t have to ride that emotional roller coaster with you.
You may have let your romantic relationship problems become almost 100% of what you talked to your friend about so that your friendship became little more than a venting session about your relationship. That’s when your girlfriend sees you calling and doesn’t take your call because she doesn’t want to hear anymore about “him” again. When we don’t work on our friendships they start to fall apart. I bet if you two could get back to focusing more on your friendship and less on your relationship with your boyfriend, you could patch things up.
Hopefully, you’ve both learned from this situation, and if you want to, you can still be friends (unless in your time apart you’ve realized that you are better off without each other). When you’re friends with someone a long time you have to “grow-up” and mature with them over time and that may mean disappointing them along the way but it doesn’t have to be the end of the friendship. This was a learning experience that you can recover from and rebuild if you choose.
Good luck!
Copyright 2010 Dr. Michelle Callahan. All rights reserved. This article on friendship was originally published in Dr. Michelle’s online advice column at www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
How do I know if I need to see a counselor?
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Question: Hi Dr. Michelle. I’ve seen you on television several times and I really like the advice you give. I had something bad happen to me when I was younger. Do I need to see a counselor? What can I do?
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Answer: Congratulations on having the strength and maturity to reach out for help when you need it. If you are having painful memories of your past and you feel that you can’t stop thinking about what happened or that your painful thoughts affect your day to day life (especially by depression or anxiety) for more than a couple weeks, then you should seek counseling with the help of a licensed clinical psychologist or social worker.
You can try several referral services to find someone who is certified or licensed to work with people with the type of problem you are having. Below are some suggestions:
• Go to www.therapistlocator.net to find a marriage and family therapist
• Call the American Psychological Association at 1-800-964-2000. They can use your zip code to give you a referral to a psychologist in your state. Or you can visit their website at http://locator.apa.org/ to locate a referral online.
• Visit http://www.helpstartshere.org/common/search/default.asp to search the National Association of Social Workers database for a Clinical Social Worker
• If you are looking for an African-American therapist, you can visit the Association of Black Psychologists’ Psychologist Listing page at http://www.abpsi.org/index.php/listing
I wish you all the best!
Dr. Michelle
Copyright 2009 Dr. Michelle Callahan. All rights reserved. This article on referrals to mental health counselors was originally published in Dr. Michelle’s online advice column at www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
How do I become a successful relationship and family counselor?
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Question: I watch you on TV and I must say that I love what you do. My major is sociology and my minor is psychology. My aspirations are to go to graduate school and get my Master’s in Counseling and become certified in Marriage and Family Therapy. My question is “do you have any advice for someone who is aspiring to become a relationship counselor?” Is there any specific path that I should take in order to become a successful relationship and family counselor?
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Answer: There are several approaches to a career as a mental health professional who specializes in working with couples. You could become a clinical psychologist, a counseling psychologist, a clinical social worker, a marriage and family therapist, or a relationship coach. Each profession differs by its focus on human behavior and its approach to helping the client(s) resolve problems. In order to know which classes to take and subjects to major in, you really have to do more research to understand which of these jobs (or others) might appeal to you most. Most of the careers require a master’s degree or a Ph.D. and when you are finished with graduate school you typically have to take an exam and become “licensed” to practice psychotherapy in your state.
Some great places to look for more information are:
• The American Psychological Association (www.apa.org). Visit http://www.apa.org/students/brochure/index.html for an online brochure about careers in psychology that explains all of the different types of psychology (clinical, developmental, social, etc.), what psychologists do and how to plan your education and career as a psychologist.• The National Association of Social Workers (www.naswdc.org). Visit https://www.socialworkers.org/profession/default.asp for online brochures that describe the social work profession and how to pursue a career in social work. They include information about certification and accredited schools of social work. Whatever area of mental health you pursue, make sure that your school is accredited—don’t get caught up in these “fake” schools that are mostly diploma mills.
• The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (www.aamft.org). Visit http://www.aamft.org/resources/Career_PracticeInformation/career.htm for information on what marriage and family therapists do and how to become one. Other areas of the website provide additional information about graduate schools and how to apply.
• The International Coach Federation (www.coachfederation.org). This is a good resource if you want training in or more information specifically about coaching as a profession. If you are interested in a career in helping people improve their lives through some form of psychotherapy or coaching, I suggest that you obtain traditional graduate school training in some area of human development/behavior and then pursue coaching training. The graduate school training will give you a very strong foundation in understanding and influencing human behavior and make you much more competitive and well prepared to coach.
The truth is that there is no one “right” answer about how to pursue a career in helping individuals and couples. Once you know what kind of people you want to help and with what kind of problems, you will be able to determine which university programs to attend and which classes to take by doing the necessary research.
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
Copyright 2009 Dr. Michelle Callahan. All rights reserved. This article on careers in psychology was originally published in Dr. Michelle’s online advice column at www.drmichelle.com/ask-dr-michelle
