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 Q
I am a 40 year old woman. I met a man about 3 years ago and he asked me to marry him.
We have been engaged since. He told me that he would build a rapport with
his parents so that I can get to know them and he can tell them of our
plans to be married. This has not happened. When I put a timeline on this,
all hell broke loose. He has been rude to me often and does not answer his
phone when I call or reply to my messages. He sometimes does but not
always. He does not make plans with me for our weekends and when he does
make plans, he goes out on Fri or Sat night and tells me at the last
minute so I end up alone! This has happened about 4 times. I am ready to
dump him.
Can you tell me what you see in this situation? Should I contact his
parents? They do not know that he has been living with me.
A I
absolutely do not think that you should contact this man's parents.
You are forty years old and that makes you a very GROWN woman.
Contacting his parents is about as elementary school as telling someone's
Mom that they stole your candy bar. You and he are supposed to be in
the big leagues now, so if you can't handle this situation without telling
on him to his parents, he doesn't sound like he is ready for a
relationship, and certainly not marriage. I don't know his age, but
if he doesn't want his parents to know about you that sounds like a
problem. If you are close in age, it would seem that he should have
a handle on being an adult and his parents should recognize that he is
going to make certain decisions about growing up, being a man and doing
grown up man things like getting married. Either he is probably
embarrassed by something about you or he is not serious about marrying you
because it is hard to imagine many other reasons why he shouldn't have
told his parents by now and no you don't have to put up with it. He
may be using the parents excuse as a stalling tactic to drag the
engagement out a little bit longer. But of course I have to ask, so,
if his parents don't like you does that mean that the two of you won't get
married? He is making it sound like you can't move forward without
his parents' knowledge AND approval. That would make sense if he was
17, but not now. If he is blowing you and your dates off, it sounds
like he is looking for some space. If he has been stringing you
along for too long and he does several other things that make you raise an
eyebrow, I suggest that you take some time and take a serious look at the
possibility of marriage.
I
wish you all the best!
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle