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 Q I
am a 30 year old used to be, has been "player". I was
engaged to the sweetest woman I've ever known. We were engaged for 2
years. The problem is my past lifestyle. It caused me to lose
her. Now she is with someone else and I respect that, but I still
love her. I see now more than ever how much she meant to me. She
tells me that she is in love with him, but I know her, I can tell when she
is lying. Every time we talk it always ends up leading to the past. She
moved in with him right after our break-up, but we still continued to see
each other. She says that she can't believe in the change I've made
because people can't change over night. I want to spend the rest of
my life with her. Help?
A I
know this is a hard thing to hear and accept but right now, but you
just have to be patient and wait. It is very difficult to get
someone to trust you again after you have cheated on them or
"played" them in whatever ways you may have played your former fiancé. I usually warn people who are in new relationships to keep a
lot of distance from their "Ex" because they are usually very
vulnerable to their Ex and that could lead to them losing their new
relationship to an old one that isn't going anywhere. I don't know
if she should give you another chance and probably neither does she, which
is why she is trying to move on with someone who she thinks might give her
what she wants. If you aren't absolutely sure that you are
ready to change then you should let her move on instead of getting her
caught up in a fantasy of the "new" you. You know that she
isn't over you, but you want her to get over whatever you've done to her
faster than she is ready. The most effective way I know to regain
her trust and respect is to start over.
Start at the beginning by being a good friend, being honest
and being respectful of the situation that she is in right now. You
are going to have to deal with and work through all of the old
"dirt" you did before she is going to be willing to trust you
again so get ready for some long conversations. You can try to pressure
her into leaving this guy for you, but she doesn't trust you so that is
less likely to work than showing her why she should want to be with you.
If you are a reformed player then I know you know how to win someone over
and it sounds like her heart is still open to you. Show her
that you have respect for other people's relationships and that you are no
longer the type of guy that would go around trying to take another
man's woman or make her cheat on him. Win her over. You
shouldn't have to take her, she should want to come to you. If
you respect her new relationship and give her some space, she has the
option to come back to you if she decides that this new person is not the
one for her. Your patience, determination, perseverance, honesty and
respect are what could ultimately convince her to give you another chance.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle