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 Q After
three years, my husband has a tumultuous battle with substance abuse.
I have been supportive through al-anon and several treatment facilities
during this period. I have had enough and I put him out of the
family home, (with a great deal of guilt!) I couldn't ask for a more
loving partner except for the fact that, when he relapses, he will lie
cheat and steal from anyone, including those who are closest to him.
Of course, I love him, but I would like to know if this is the appropriate
"tough love" technique to take?
A I
think you finally made a long over due decision. If you had said
that you only supported him for three months instead of three years then I
might say give it a little more time, but three years is long enough to
wait for change. You have waited and supported him through many
attempts to get clean. It is so hard to put someone out of the house
when you know that they don't have it all together, but the bottom line
is, that is exactly why you have to put some people out. Someone
who doesn't have it together, like a drug abusing spouse, usually doesn't
get it together when they have you around to make it all too easy for them
to stay exactly the way they are.
You have probably heard of
"enablers," those are the people who help drug addicts
maintain their habits by making excuses for the addicted person's behavior
and supporting them with money or other essentials. If he could continue
to stay there with you and abuse drugs, lie, cheat and steal, why would he
ever stop? I mean he could have stopped while still living at home,
but he didn't in over three years so that was a sign for you to take
matters in your own hands. That is not to say that he will change
overnight because he is out of the house but it is a first step towards
making it clear that you will not tolerate that behavior or treatment and
that you don't want to expose the rest of the family to it either.
He will probably try to push you to change your mind and it may become
difficult to maintain your decision to keep him out of the house until he
is clean, but stay strong! Once you make a decision like that you
need to stick with it until you get solid evidence that he is clean for
good. If you change your mind and let him return while he is still
addicted, he will know that he has the ability to manipulate you and that
you don't really mean what you say. You can't tell him how serious
you are--you have to show him. I know you said you love him, so show
him by helping him to help himself. Once he is clean he will thank
you for it.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle