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 Q I
was in a serious relationship that led to me getting totally ripped off by
this female and left me in a destitute situation. After two years of
depressed states and trying to find good jobs in today's market, I am
finally getting back on my feet. Financially I am still in the red, but am
on my way back to stability. I am gun shy about relationships now as well
as I feel kind of inadequate due to the fact of my financial status. My
question is, When would be a good time to get back into the dating scene?
I miss having that closeness of a companion, but I am still kind of
untrusting. Should I get back into the dating scene or be content with
being alone?
A How
about a compromise? You don't have to jump back into the dating
scene, but you don't have to be alone either. I don't know if you
have any female friends, but if you enjoy being in the company of a woman
and can do so without pushing to make the relationship romantic, then why
not spend some time with your female friends? If you have a female
friend, there is less pressure because she should have different
expectations about what you do together. Or, if you feel that
hanging out with a woman is just too much like a date anyway, why not
go out on a date but move really slowly, and by slowly I mean, at a crawl?
If you haven't dated in two years I know you have had a lot of time
to think about what you could have done differently in that relationship
and what you will do differently in your next relationship. These
are important things to keep in mind as you move forward.
Most
people move way too fast in relationships. If you are concerned
about a woman really liking you for you, and her comfort with your
financial situation, then you should take your time to just get to know
her on a very friendly level, even if you want to reserve the right to
make it more like romantic dating if you decide you really like her.
Don't feel like you have to spend a lot of money to go out and have a good
time with someone. If you don't know someone who would enjoy
spending time doing less expensive things, then they are the wrong one for
you anyway. You shouldn't bother dating anyone who makes you feel
inadequate, especially when you know that you have been through
something and that you are working to get back on your feet.
Try lower cost events like things that are free--you don't have to promote
the fact that it is free, but if it is and it's still something fun to do
then so what? Where you live there may be free concerts, free movie
passes, free days at the museum, etc. You can also find cool places
to eat that aren't expensive but still have good food and atmosphere.
Try taking a walk or jog together, going to the park, renting a movie,
playing billiards, or cooking the person dinner at home.
You have to be creative but you don't have
to suffer alone. Just move slowly and don't expect too much.
Some people are not going to understand or appreciate your financial
situation or your hesitation to get involved quickly, but don't worry
about that. Let those people go their own way and don't take it
personally if they don't see things the way you do. There are many
women out there so don't commit yourself financially, practically,
physically or emotionally until you take the time to get to know if they
are even worth your time of day. Once you meet the woman who you
know likes you for you, and not for your money (and you will know because
of how you interact and spend your time together) you won't have to wonder
about whether the time is right to start dating again. You will be
able to confidently know that she is the one to let into your life.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle