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 Q
Recently, my boyfriend of one
year and I had sex for the first time. We had talked about it a
while before, and both had beliefs of waiting until marriage, but
unfortunately that isn't possible now. Even though it takes two people, I
still feel hurt that my views were made clear and well known, and he
couldn't respect that. I, of course, could have stopped it from happening
just as easy as him, but I did not. Am I wrong to feel upset at him? Or
should I just except that we made a mistake? We talked afterward about it
and agreed it shouldn't have happened, and are still together continuing a
strong relationship. I guess part of why I'm upset is I wanted my first
time to be special, and definitely not something to look back on as a
mistake. Any tips on dealing with this?
A
Everyone makes mistakes. You have
to accept that you both made a mistake. If you still strongly
believe that you should wait to have sex until you are married then
don't focus on the fact that you made this one mistake. You can
decide from this day forward that you won't make that mistake again, and
you don't have to become sexually active until you are married. I
know once you are married, it won't be the "first" time, you
won't ever get the first time back again. But, if you think that sex
should be saved for marriage, continue to save it. You
may feel that your boyfriend pressured you to have sex, but as you said,
you could have also stopped things from going forward. If you feel
that he pressures you into many other things you don't want to do, then
you should talk to him about it. But, you can't expect other people
to respect your wishes if you aren't respecting them yourself. Even
more than he owes you the respect of backing off, you owe yourself the
respect of standing your ground and sticking to your word about waiting
for sex. You are expressing your anger toward him but deep down
inside you are probably actually mad at yourself because you know you
compromised on something that you didn't want to give in to. You
simply have to forgive yourself and your boyfriend if you expect to
continue to try to have a happy and healthy relationship. You
can still have a "special" first time, it can be the first time
you have sex after you are married. Don't beat yourself up too
bad about this. You can't take it back, all you can do now is plan
that in the future, you will stand up for what you believe in and not be
pressured into doing something that you don't want to do. Everyday
is a chance to start over, so start over today.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle