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 Q
I am dating a girl who
never breaks up with a guy until she finds a new boyfriend. Now I am
afraid that if we are having problems, that she will cheat on me to find
someone new, and then break up with me after she finds someone else she
likes. She thinks this is good because she is always in a committed
relationship. Why would he do this and what should I do?
A
What she is doing is called "Serial monogamy" and this is
when you go from one committed relationship to another one without ever
really dating in between relationships. She thinks that always
having a boyfriend means that she is someone who isn't afraid of
commitment. Serial monogamy is not an indication that the person is
not afraid of being in a committed relationship, it is an indication that
the person is afraid of being alone!
That person's willingness to be in a committed
relationship is more about running away from themselves than it is about
them running to/towards their partner. Not only does this dating strategy
allow people to avoid facing their issues, but also, they never develop a
comfort or happiness being without a partner. Everything in their lives
usually revolves around someone else, so if for some reason they
couldn’t line up their mates back to back, their whole life could fall
apart because they don’t know how to go it alone.
Think of how much practical, emotional and spiritual
growth and development you would miss out on if you never spent some time
on your own discovering who you are and what you want out of life. Some
people define themselves exclusively by being in relationships—these are
often those women who always have a man or don’t feel like a woman
unless they have a man (it applies to men too). Some people like the
benefits of always having a partner, so to prevent being alone, they cheat
with a new person before they break up with the old person.
If
you know that this is her pattern, you should talk to her about it.
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells worrying that if you are having
problems, that she is off on the side interviewing new boyfriends.
Let her know that if the two of you are having problems, that you want to
talk about it and work on it together, rather than independently start
looking for new mates. If she can't agree to work on things first,
or at least be willing to tell you when she is starting to feel the
relationship going south (meaning she is considering cheating to find a
new guy), that means that she is not really committed to you, you are just
keeping her busy while she looks for the next guy. If she isn't
committed to you, then you should reconsider whether she is someone you
want to commit your valuable time to as well.
I wish you all the best!
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle