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 Q
I have been dating this woman for just about three years. We had a good
relationship and I love her a lot. She wanted to marry me and gave me an
ultimatum that if I didn't marry her she was going to the west coast
to work for her family. I told her that I loved her but the marriage thing
scares me. She has been out there for six months now. I want her back so
bad now and told her about a month ago that I want to marry her, but she
says that the things she wanted in life have changed and she needs to
further her self in life. I told her I made a huge mistake and I will do
anything. I have a good job and have been with the same company for 20
years but I don't know if living out west has made her see bigger and
better things. I am not a cheater, I work hard but was just scared to get
married again after a failed marriage seven years ago. I have never felt
this way before about a woman. I told her how I feel about her and even
called her mother. Do I now give her, her space? We use to talk almost
everyday. I don't know what I should do. She tells me I'm too late. She
struggled here with jobs and maybe I should have helped her with that
more. She said to me that everyone thought she would fail out there but
she is still there. What can I do? It's hard not to cry when I talk to
her. She said she doesn't need to start a relationship. I have never
seen her act this way before and be so cold.
A It
sounds like your ex-girlfriend is focusing on getting herself together and
doesn't want to rush back into a relationship with you based on the
POSSIBILITY that you are ready now. You said that it was hard for
her to find good work back at home and that nobody thought she would make
it out west. Now she has found good work and is making it on her
own, you want to come back into the picture. Even though she has moved on
with her life, you want her to move back home to be with you because you
are NOW ready to get married. That's a hard decision for her to
make. There is nothing wrong with being hesitant to remarry after a
failed marriage, but from her perspective, you weren't ready and since
nothing great was keeping her at home, she moved away and started a new
life. Now that she is happy and successful where she is, you are
asking her to give all of that up on the CHANCE that you are now ready to
marry her. You want her to give up her new life and career and she
is thinking that you should have said all of this before she left
town. If she was struggling living at home before, she may fear that
she will struggle again if she moves back. If
you are serious about her being "the one," maybe you should
consider moving out west and joining her. Can you get a transfer at
your job? Interested in making a change after all these years?
In your mind it makes the most sense for you to stay at your job because
you've been there for so long and for her to come home because that is
where you both started. But in her mind she may feel that if you
want her, 1)you have to prove it; 2) you have to win back her trust
and confidence in you and your relationship; and 3) you have to accept her
desire to have her own life, goals and aspirations. You keep asking
her to get on YOUR program: to get married when YOU want and to move to
where YOU live. There are no guarantees, but if you want to show her
that you are really serious, you may have to make some moves toward
getting on HER program. And I have to be real with you, six months
away from you coupled with the fact that she doesn't act too excited about
you anymore could mean that she isn't just upset about what happened, it
could mean that she is in fact over you. So you have a big risk to
take, figuring out how far to go to try to win her back, realizing that
she may already be gone and no sacrifice, no matter how big, will change
her mind. Give
it some more time. She needs time to see that you are serious and
that this isn't just a good mood you are in right now. And you need
time to see if she is interesting in getting back together with you,
before you go and do something drastic to prove your love to her.
I
wish you all the best!
Dr. Michelle
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Dr.
Michelle
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