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 Q
I have been separated
from my husband for two months and now I am seeing a married man.
We are very close and have a wonderful means of communication. But I
am scared because I feel like I am falling for him. I was married
for 20 years and have two teenaged children. I separated because I no
longer love my husband and we had a bad relationship. I don't know
if I should go on and continue seeing this guy or just nip it in the bud
right now now. I am in love with him. What do you think?
A You
are in a tough position on this one. You are in love with someone
else's husband and there really isn't anywhere to take this relationship.
Obviously, if I could've talked to you sooner, I would have suggested that
you end this relationship a long time ago. Given that you have only
been separated from your husband for two months, there are probably some
elements of a "rebound relationship" going on here. After
your separation you were looking for some empathy and companionship and
this man made himself available to fill the recent void in your life.
So you "rebounded" off of your husband onto someone else's
husband. Your husband may no longer be the right man for you but
neither is this guy. He's married and you have made no mention of
his marriage ending. You are just swapping one bad situation for
another bad situation. As
hard as it is to do, you need time to be single and regroup. Don't
rush into another relationship, especially one with someone who is
ultimately and eventually going to become both emotionally and physically
unavailable to you. Affairs can't go on forever and the closer you
get, the more difficult it's going to be for him to keep this from his
wife, family and friends. Also think about it, would you have wanted
your 20 year old marriage to be violated or ended by some other woman
who can't get a man of her own? I didn't think so--so why do it to
someone else. Every single day provides you with a new opportunity
to make a different choice in your life. Maybe yesterday you were
involved with someone else's husband, but if you choose to, starting today
you can end your invasion into their marriage and work on turning your own
marriage around or work on getting yourself ready for a new romantic
relationship of your own. You can do it! You
need to spend your time thinking about what lessons you need to take from
your marriage and work on rebuilding your life financially, socially,
emotionally, etc. I'm sure you have your hands full with your kids
and just dealing with this marriage ending (wait until you start divorce
proceedings). I know it's hard to cut him off, but yes I think you
should nip it in the bud. Spend time with your family and close
friends to help you get through the difficult times of getting over both
men. If you don't have any close friends, go make some because you
are going to need them--you have a whole lifetime left to live! I
wish you all the best!
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle