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 Q
I've been dating this girl for
the past year and a half on and off, but known her almost 3 years now.
When we first met, I was married and she was involved with her long time
boyfriend. We fell for each
other and became madly in love. She promised me she was going to
leave him, and she did. She has very strict parents.
In the last couple months she decides to get back with her
boyfriend. There is no love there. She tells me she has
feelings for two guys, and she doesn't know what to do. I still see her to
this day but her boyfriend doesn't know. She told me the other day that
they are getting married this year. I can't let her do this--she is
making a big mistake. She even told me the other day that her
boyfriend doesn't do half the things I do for her. I don't get it.
All I did was make her happy, and she says I did nothing wrong and that
it's her. I know her family really likes him and they haven't really
met me. Is this a family issue? She wants to be with me. How
can I convince her to come back to me? I want to be with her! I really
love her!!!! Please help me...
A
I wish I could tell you that this is
just a “family” issue but I don’t think that it is.
Even if her parents are strict and seem to like the other guy, you
already said that they haven’t really met you yet, so I’m not
convinced that they are against you. I put this squarely on your ex’s
shoulders. She is clearly
giving you mixed messages. First,
she tells you that she has feelings for both of you, but then she
said that there is no love there. Well,
which one is it? It sounds
like you are fighting against her feelings for her ex who she has been
dating for almost a whole decade—that’s a long time and clearly she
doesn’t have him out of her system.
It
can’t be entirely her family’s fault because if she left him in the
first place, she could have stayed broken up with him and just moved on
with you. But she
made the choice to go back with him.
Now she’s talking about marriage.
I don’t believe that she would plan to marry him if she didn’t
love him. And, if she is
willing to marry someone she doesn’t love just to please her parents,
then she doesn’t sound like she understands the commitment and
responsibility that marriage requires.
I know you are looking for a way to bring her back but if she was
with this guy, then you, and then went back to this guy, she has had an
opportunity to see what you have to offer her and she still chose the
other man. I’m sure that
this is very painful but you guys were together for a while and she still
made the decision to go back to her ex.
If she isn’t as committed to you as you are to her then you have
to be willing to let her go. You said in your message that she wants to be with you but if
she really wanted to be with you I don’t think she would have returned
to her ex or ever agreed to marry him (even with pressure from her
family).
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle