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 Q
I am a married woman who became friends
with a guy at work. One night after we clocked out we decided to take a drive and
talk about my problems. The next thing we knew the sun was rising. I felt
so guilty sneaking in that morning. Since that night me and him have
remained friends, and we talk on the internet every night and occasionally
we meet out for another one of our "talks". We have never slept
together, although we came close once and got scared and didn’t talk for
8 months until one morning I found a letter on my car telling me he missed
me and I wouldn’t get off his mind. Of course I called him the following
week. But recently when we do meet, before I leave we spend a few moments
kissing and touching. He is living with someone else and I am still
married. But I think I am falling for him. The last time we were together,
I was looking for my keys when he grabbed my face and kissed me so hard
with such passion I lost my breath. He looked at me after that in a way I
have never seen before; not even from my husband. And told me it was
getting harder for him to stay away from me.
We have both bought cell phones just so we could talk and send
messages. But on the other hand when I am with my husband, I feel like I
am still in love with him and everything is great. I love my husband and
we have small children together. But how do I know if this thing between
me and my friend is love or just a loss of affection from my husband?
I have tried to stop talking to the "friend" but every
time it fails. Lately when I'm with my husband I don’t think of the
other man. It is only at night when I feel so alone and scared...I would
love to know that I am not the only woman in the world who has gone
through this before and would love someone to talk to about it.
A
I’m sure that you aren’t the only
woman who has gone through this before!
The most important thing for you to do now is to make a decision
about who and what is important to you and how you want to move forward in
the future. The fact that you
said that you still feel like you are in love with your husband and that
everything is great between you says to me that dating this guy from work
is just like having your cake and eating it too.
You are happy at home but you “stumbled” onto the fun of dating
someone else. Don’t be
confused here!! Just because
you like this guy from work doesn’t mean that you should end your
marriage. The only change I suggest you make is to get rid of this
affair.
You
said that you love your husband and your life together—you also like
having a relationship on the side, but that isn’t what marriage is about
so you need to honor your commitment and end the affair.
If you were unhappy in your marriage or even felt that you no
longer loved your husband, then we would be having a different discussion.
But, from what you’ve said, your biggest problem is that you have
allowed another man to come into your personal life.
You even said that when you are with your husband you don’t think
about this guy and that you only think of the other man when you are alone
or scared. It sounds like
your husband does a pretty good job of taking care of you and this guy is
just icing on the cake. Well,
everyone would love to have all the affection and attention that they
could collectively get from people, but marriage is about monogamy. With a
good husband and small children, I suggest that you regain control of your
emotions and clean up your life before this little fun ruins your
marriage. Talk to your
husband about your need for more attention and affection.
If you don’t feel any changes within the year—then let’s
revisit this.
What
would you do if your husband found out about this?
How would you care for your little children?
Do you want a divorce? If
you love your husband and having a family, forgive yourself for this
indiscretion, turn off the cell phone you bought just to cheat with this
guy, and break it off before things go any farther.
I don’t want to see you throw your life away for these occasional
meetings that sound like they could never replace the life you have with
your husband. From what
you’ve said it doesn’t sound like this guy could or would fill your
husbands shoes so I don’t think you should take such big risks with
something as valuable as your home life.
If you haven’t fully thought through how much you stand to lose
from this affair, read my article called “Can
You Afford The Price of Infidelity” in my March 2005 Newsletter.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle