|
 Q
I am currently finishing a divorce from a twenty year marriage.
I met a wonderful, loving man a year and a half ago. We didn't rush into
anything, I got to know him and we are deeply passionately in love. He
told me he was divorcing. He wasn't, but the intent was there. When his
wife initially found out about me, he was going to leave. He told her he
loved me. His children ages 13 and 14 were devastated. They wrote
him a letter begging him not to leave and saying it would be their worst
nightmare. He was so torn and with my divorce being so stressful he
decided to not leave and tell her that him and I were over. Our
relationship grew we became closer and more in love. We are very
happy. I love him with all my heart and he loves me. But, He wants me to
be patient and wait. He doesn't want to leave his children. It hurts me so
much that he canąt be with me at night and on weekends. I feel so
lonely. He is not affectionate to his wife but they are civil.
Recently a man at work asked me out. I went out to dinner with him once.
He is very nice but I feel so guilty that I cheated on my married
boyfriend.
My three questions are:
1. Am I cheating going to dinner with this man from work?
2. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Should I be patient and wait?
3. Should I some how tell his wife about our continued affair?
Please help me I am so torn.
A
You do realize that you referred to yourself
as cheating on your "married boyfriend"--right?! Your
"boyfriend" is someone else's husband and father first, before
he can be anything to you.
Let
me answer your questions: 1) No, you are not cheating on him by dating
someone else. You and he don't have a committed relationship unless
you both support polygamy because he is already in a committed
relationship with his wife (although he is clearly violating and breaking
that agreement). How do you owe him fidelity if he doesn't owe you
fidelity? Or do you really believe that their marriage is completely
loveless and affectionless? (that is one of the oldest lies in the
book--you are going to be much more willing to be intimate with him and
stay in the relationship if you believe that he is only physically and
emotionally intimate with you, and not her). You need to date other
people so that you can find someone who is actually interested in a real
relationship with you, not someone who is using you to fill up the gaps in
his marriage.
2)
No I don't think you should be patient and wait. First, as long as
you are willing to wait, why would he ever hurry up or even leave his wife
at all? Once you make it clear that you will tolerate being number
two and his secret mistress, he has absolutely no motivation for ending
the marriage. And second, he has already made it clear that he has
no short term or in the near future plans to leave so why would you wait
for years?! Do you actually believe that he is going to stay married
only until his youngest child's 18th birthday and then leave? And if
that was true, are you willing to be his mistress for FIVE years, while
his life goes on?
3)
No, you should not tell his wife about the affair. If you think that
what you are doing is wrong, then stop doing it, don't run and tell her
that you are STILL doing it. You only want to tell her so that she
can get angry at him and end the relationship and you can then have him
all to yourself. Is that how you want to get your man, by trapping
him and forcing him into your arms because he got kicked out? If he
isn't man enough to choose you and move on then you obviously want to be
with him way more than he wants to be with you.
The morale of the story
is to judge people by their actions, not their words. He started
this relationship by lying and saying he was getting a divorce when he
wasn't. That means it is safe to assume that he is also probably
also lying when he says that he is eventually leaving his wife for you and
that he isn't affectionate towards her--how do you know that?
You can't believe everything a man tells you. You can tell the truth
by how you are living your life--you are living a lie and you are selling
yourself short. I don't doubt that you love this man and that he has
feelings for you. I know it is hard to walk away from that feeling
but you have to know that your decision to play this role says a lot about
how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve out of
life. Ask yourself honestly why it is that you are putting up with
and tolerating this situation. What is it that you fear? What
is it that you believe is wrong with you or your life? You need to
look within yourself and figure out what it is inside you that is missing
that would allow you to settle for being this man's mistress and number
two (or three...), rather than go out and find someone who will make you a
priority in their life and treat you wonderfully for being a patient and
loving person. Figure that out and you will find the key to a way
out of this emotional trap you have fallen into. Don't feel
overwhelmed because you and I both know that you can do this--going out
with someone else was a step in the right direction--keep going that way!
I wish you all of the
best--don't settle for less!
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