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 Q
I'm in a new relationship of five
months. I want a committed relationship and he says he does too. He says he loves me and wants to marry me someday. He
has a lot of the qualities (Biblical, emotional, intellectual, etc.) that I need in my life. The problem: He is still married but
hasn't lived with his wife in about ten years (his words, I don't know this for a fact). He won't take me to his home. He says
it's because people in his town are jealous and hateful towards him. What does this have to do with me and why do you think
he won't take me for a visit?
A
It sounds like this man is not actually
available for a committed relationship. He is not physically
available because you aren't even allowed to share in his home space and
come over for fear of his neighbors? Even you know that doesn't sound
right! He isn't romantically available because he is still married
so how can you be talking and thinking about the future when he is still
stuck in the past? How do you see him as being "biblical",
AND still being married and dating you?
I think that he won't take you to his house because there is something
there that he doesn't want you to see. I can't say what it is...it
could be his wife herself, or maybe just all of her stuff and his still
mixed together, or whatever else he won't let go of...like his marriage.
There are some people who just look the other way on being married and
stay separated for years because they don't want to deal with that reality
or cough up the money to get the divorce. However, once they start
dating, still being married is a convenient way to avoid commitment by
never being able to marry anyone else because they are already married.
He can't marry you "someday" as long as he is still married (and
we don't know for a fact that he isn't living and acting as a married
man). Also, it doesn't have to take ten years for someone to get
over their former relationship and move on with their life. Even if
nothing funny is going on with his wife--there is still a serious problem
if he doesn't feel comfortable allowing his girlfriend into his home.
Don't you feel strange talking about marrying someone when you have never
even been to their house? In my experience, when a man doesn't want
you to visit his house, it's because he is hiding something. It
could be his ex-wife, his current wife, a kid, his Momma or the fact that
he is a slob. (By the way, my male advisors say that men don't care about
being slobs--they usually want you to come over so that they can be
intimate with you). You need to find out what he is hiding in that
house and why his neighbors are so-called "jealous and hateful"
towards him before you spend any more time thinking about marriage.
Even if the neighbor excuse is true, it's lame--what man let's his
neighbors determine and dictate to him how he is going to live his life?
That neighbor story sounds like a poor excuse for keeping you away from
what he is hiding in his house.
His unwillingness to take you there probably has nothing to do with you
personally and everything to do with him. Anything that looks too
good to be true usually is. If he seems all perfect except for this
mysterious never-ending marriage, secret home and hateful neighbors, this
guy probably looks perfect because he is hiding all his dirt. You should
know what that dirt is before you keep dreaming of walking down the aisle.
He is only getting away with this because you are letting him. If
you have been dating for five months and you want to really test the
seriousness of the possibility of you being in a committed relationship
(and potentially a marriage), then go spend some time in his house.
You don't care about his "neighbors" and if they hate him, then
neither should he. If he won't allow you to come over and hang
out--face the fact that you are not on the verge of a committed
"relationship." If he won't come clean you may need to
move on--as long as you let him make all the rules, you'll never win the
game.
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Dr.
Michelle
Ask Dr. Michelle