|
 Q
My boyfriend and I are constantly arguing. Sometimes it gets so heated
that I worry we will break up. How do we argue without breaking up?"
A All
couples will disagree, but not all couples have to "fight" or
"argue". The way to make it a "disagreement",
and not a "fight", is to keep your emotions under control and to
express your differences "respectfully". You want your
opinion/perspective heard but you don't want to end the relationship to do
it (unless you do need to end the relationship over it, but that is a
different topic). Assuming you are in a healthy committed
relationship and you want to keep it that way, you need to have respectful
disagreements, which means following some ground rules:
- Talk
when you will have the fewest distractions. If you try to
have a serious discussion while one of the two of you is at work, the
disagreement could escalate quickly. You don't want a
disagreement about your relationship to turn into an argument about
how your boss is upset with you for letting your personal problems
interfere with your work.
- Give
a little. Each of you might have totally different
perspectives on an issue, but at the end of the day, if your objective
is to stay together, you should both be willing to give up a little
something. If you are arguing over who is going to do the
housework, don't tell me you can't find some type of compromise to
make things fair and keep your relationship going.
- Don't
interrupt. It is important that your partner feels
heard. Part of what causes arguments to lead to breaking up is
when one person starts to feel like the other person doesn't care
about them or their feelings anymore. Even if you don't agree
with your partner, being willing to hear them out and listen to what
they want (even if they won't get it). That will let them know
that you care and that you are interested in working things out.
Of course both partners need an opportunity to speak uninterrupted.
- Stay
on the subject. Don't let your disagreement about one thing
grow into ten other things--try to handle one thing at a time.
You don't want a disagreement about sex to turn into an argument about
why you ever decided have kids or get married--then you know things
have gone too far and your discussion is just spiraling out of control
(especially if you don't really mean what you are saying but are
instead just being dramatic).
- No
low blows. Don't say anything that is going to be hurtful
and that you will regret later. If your objective is to stay
together, don't say something mean while you are disagreeing that your
partner is likely to hold a grudge about. Insulting the other
person might make you feel like you won the argument (because you hurt
them or got them to back down), but it could cause them to lose
respect for you and that could damage the relationship in the long
run. Saying "now I know why your Ex left you" if the
kind of thing you are likely to regret saying.
I wish you all the best!
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Dr.
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Ask Dr. Michelle