Dear Friends,
I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
I don’t know if I’m the long-distance relationship type.
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Question: I’m in a long-distance relationship but I feel bad because I’m not sure the long-distance thing is for me. Should I keep trying?
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Answer: If you decide to recommit to making the relationship work, try lots of different ways to stay in touch and see which ones you really like or that are easiest to do. Some people love texting, others prefer video chat because you can see the person. If you aren’t inspired to use any of these ways of communicating, then something else is probably going on. Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone because some people don’t do well when they are physically apart. You may not like to talk on the phone or you may not be satisfied by being in touch electronically. If you want to see and touch there’s nothing wrong with that, unless of course you are trying to make a long-distance relationship work! The best way to know if a long-distance relationship will work for you is to understand your own personality and to give it a try. In the past you may not have been into communication technology, but the opportunity to keep in touch with someone you love can make texting or email a lot more fun. However, it may not change the fact that you want to go out on a date, not have a video date and if that’s who you are, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t the long-distance type. Those relationships need time and attention to make up for the physical closeness so if you don’t have the time or won’t invest it, tell your partner and part ways before you really hurt each other.
I’m in a long-distance relationship and my partner doesn’t keep in touch!
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Question: How do I survive a long-distance relationship when my partner doesn’t communicate on a regular basis?
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Answer: Since you are in a long-distance relationship, the least your partner can do is to stay in contact with you. You can’t physically be together so your relationship is in most ways defined by communicating long distance. No communication=no relationship. If your partner isn’t the type of person who likes to stay in touch, your long distance relationship doesn’t have much of a chance to survive and you shouldn’t be willing to compromise your own need just to stay in the relationship. You shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t have an equal commitment to you. It’s not a matter of “making” him stay in contact with you, he should want to be in contact with you. It’s very possible that this isn’t working for him and that the lack of communication is a sign that the relationship is stuck or that you are growing apart. If you are willing to be faithful to him even though he doesn’t stay in touch with you, he might want to keep you around because he can have a girlfriend without doing anything. When he feels like talking to you, he’s got a girlfriend waiting on him. If you want more attention, you have to insist on it. Ask him about what’s going on with your relationship and if he says he is still interested, tell him exactly what you need from him to make this long-distance relationship work. We have talking, texting, tweeting, emailing, letter writing, chatting, video chatting and the list goes on. There are too many ways to stay connected for him to be so out of touch. If he doesn’t make the adjustment, you should look for someone who wants to be in a relationship with you–you deserve it!
For more tips on making long-distance relationships work, read my post Five Tips for Making Long Distance Relationships Work.
Stay strong!
Dr. Michelle
