Dear Friends,
I believe we can learn a lot from each other’s difficulties and accomplishments. I created the Ask Dr. Michelle column to share my advice with many people at the same time, who although they don’t know it, are often facing some of the same challenges. I hope that my comments provide you with some insight into situations that you are facing in your life. If you have a question that you want me to answer, submit it below. I wish you all the best. (I try to answer as many questions as possible, but please understand that due to the number of questions that I receive I am not able to answer every question.)
How do I listen to my friends’ problems without stressing out?
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I recently ended an eight year relationship and I am slowly but surely moving on, but my friends won’t let me. They aren’t mentioning him or anything, but they constantly come to me with their problems. I just don’t need to hear that right now because hearing their stories at times, make me feel like I should have stayed with my ex. My friends are going through abusive and cheating situations right now. My ex never did that to me which was the reason why I always stayed with him until I realized how emotional he was. I always told myself if my man didn’t cheat or hit me, those are two good reasons to stay with him. I didn’t think about anything else. My mother, sister and friends all went through that. So having a man without dealing with that just sticks with me and I am “Ms. Rose-Colored Glasses” when it comes to everything else. I am dealing with that, but how can I be there for my friends and not listen to their negative stories about their relationship? I love your book by the way!
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I think we need to limit how much we go on and on about relationships. Sometimes the more we talk about it, the worse we feel, instead of better. For the person sharing and the person listening, you both need to figure out how long you can discuss dating problems before you start to get stressed out by the conversation, instead of feeling uplifted. If the talking isn’t making you feel better or helping you come up with solutions to your problems, then what’s the point of constantly focusing on what’s wrong?
As a listener, I know you want to support your friends but there is nothing wrong with deciding that you won’t talk indefinitely. Sometimes you probably stay on the phone or discuss one topic for too long. Pay attention to when you start feeling bad about yourself or your situation and try to end the conversation before it causes you to have a downward spiral. If you are going through a tough time in your own life, you may not be able to take on your friends’ problems along with your own. Sometimes you need some space to get yourself together before you can be a good friend or a good listener. You’re coming out of an eight year relationship–it’s going to take you some time to heal and get your head and heart into a good space. Imagine what kind of advice you might give when you are feeling bad about yourself and your own situation. (Sometimes women are so busy talking, they don’t even think about how what they are saying is affecting the listener.)
Even if the talks weren’t making you think too much about yourself, sometimes listening to other people’s problems can stress you out or give you a headache if you sit on the phone for hours just rehashing the same problems day in and day out. The same negative effects can be true for your friend who is sharing. Women like to just talk and express their feelings, but at some point, you have to stop complaining and start acting. Sometimes our friends help us stay stuck in a pity-party by constantly listening to our problems without encouraging change. Continue to support your friends, but establish your own boundaries for how often and how long you can discuss problems.
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
How do I teach my children that a relationship is not the key to happiness?
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First I would like to thank you for your book “Ms. Typed.” I have recently began my own personal quest to find the keys to my own happiness. I am 5 out of 10 mistypes and I have realized that I have sabotaged myself for a long time. The problem is I am a 32 year old single parent of 5 beautiful children and I’ve never been married. My children have been able to sense my unhappiness and feel that I need a boyfriend or relationship in order to be happy in life. How do I help my children from growing up to be mistyped like myself? They are relatively young (ages 12-7) and I don’t want them to grow up thinking that a relationship is the key to life’s happiness.
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You can start by convincing yourself that a relationship is not the key to happiness. We are our children’s role models. They learn how to act and what to value from us. So one of the best ways to help your children is to help yourself. The happier and healthier you are, the greater the chances that you can pass on that healthy thinking and living to your kids. Use the Ms. Typed Makeover Kit to help you transform yourself from being Ms. Typed to being healed and confident in yourself and your life outside of a relationship. You won’t be able to convince them that you feel happy and good being single if you aren’t convinced yourself.
Talk with your children about life and relationships. Teach them not to define themselves in relation to others or by their role in a relationship but instead by who they are and what they offer to the world. Make sure that they are involved in activities that help them to build their knowledge, self-esteem, talents and confidence so that they know they are wonderful and special without a romantic partner.
And watch what you say. If you speak about yourself or other women as if you are nothing without a partner or a relationship, then you don’t have to wonder where your kids are getting these ideas. Talk about a relationship as something to add on to the foundation of all the you have already accomplished as an individual, instead of the relationship being your foundation. As your kids develop romantic interests teach them about the ups and downs of relationships. Remain a constant source of support for them as they learn about relationships and show them how to protect themselves physically and emotionally–don’t expect them to just know how to handle things or rely on their friends to teach them about relationships.
Good luck!
Dr. Michelle
